The Rock You Lean On
by Ayshen
Summary: Because this time, It's his turn to be the strong one. "he can no longer deny that she's swimming in his veins and wrapped around every ventricle of his heart." EO
1. Nothingness

**A/N: This is set after four months after the Jenna shooting, some Season 13 aspects are included. This is going to be long. I am aiming to update weekly on Sundays, I have chapters written in advance and am nervous and excited about this journey. **

**There are songs that heavily influenced the muse, usually a verse of the song that influenced the chapter will begin it. **

**To my bestie, thank you for the beta and for encouraging my ramblings in the development of this. You are amazing. **

**Thank you for reading, reviews/feedback are appreciated and before this becomes the biggest A/N known to man, I will leave it at that, lol. **

**One last thing, if you ever want to chat, follow me on Twitter: AyshenRocks 3 **

_My silence solidifies,  
>Until that hollow void erases you,<br>Erases you so I can't feel at all.  
>But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness<br>Will end the painful dream, of you and me...  
>If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to<br>Before you went away, if only for a day.  
>If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to<br>The tune we played before you went away._

_(The Sound of White – Missy Higgins)_

She has become numb. She doesn't cry anymore; even for the victims and definitely not for herself. It was as if the water had settled around her and instead of fighting she had decided to just let it enter her lungs and consume her.

For two months that was what she blamed the exhaustion on. Truthfully, she wasn't sleeping; not until her body was so tired it began to shut down. She started to merely exist on the fumes of what was once her life.

It wasn't until a morning in the shower that she discovered the small anomaly that she called her doctor and made an appointment. She wasn't overly fond of clinics or hospitals; too many memories and scars, but there was something in her gut that made her pick up the phone. Although her instincts had been wrong a lot lately…starting with the belief that he wouldn't just up and leave her.

OoO

Hit, hit, hit, hit.

He threw long fluid punches at the bag in front of him, each harder than the last, smashing his scarred knuckles harshly and still feeling no pain.

Hit, hit, hit, hit.

This was the only time he could slow his thoughts…never top them, simply slow them down to a dull ache inside his chest. His life was shit; his marriage on the rocks, his job gone…and God, he missed her so much that not even enough whiskey or pain could drown it out.

Her calls had stopped three weeks ago. He hates this weakness inside of him…the one who hasn't been able to muster enough courage to call her back and the one who gets drunk enough to call his voicemail to hear her voice on the saved messages.

"_El, it's me, can you please call me back?"_

"_I'm not trying to stalk you"_

"_I'm done Elliot"_

There is a surge of emotion as his fists crash harder and harder and her eyes invade his psyche once again.

Hit, hit, hit, hit.

OoO

The beige of the walls is nauseating and the gown scratches against her skin as the second hand of the clock ticks away slowly. She should be at work right now, catching up on paperwork, forcing a smile when Rollins brings her a tea, staging a laugh at a joke Fin tells, and staring across the desk that used to be his.

Sometimes she can still feel him there and when the elevator dings she has this inane hope he's going to wander in, that crease in his forehead pronounced as he complains about traffic and puts a pastry bag on her desk.

Her fingers play with the Semper Fidelis medal that lies on a chain, resting over her heart. It was their last hurrah, a slight bit of proof that the connection she felt wasn't all in her head. He had meant everything to her; so it was slightly comforting to know that she meant _something_ to him.

Thoughts are broken by her doctors knock and entrance into the room, "Good morning Olivia" she greets warmly, "May I ask why you are here today?"

Reality smacks into her like a gust of cold air and she lets out a deep breath, "I found a lump in my left breast"

OoO

He and Kathy tiptoe on eggshells around each other. They talk about the kids, the weather, they don't touch, they don't kiss and the wall of Jericho might was well lie smack in the middle of their bed.

Eli is the only thing that is sustaining that withering string that binds them and even now he can feel it unraveling by the second.

"Lizzie's coming home for the weekend, I was thinking it would be nice to go into the city and have dinner with Maureen and Kathleen" she explains, "My mom said she'll watch Eli for the evening"

His eyes momentarily rise from the newspaper and he nods perfunctory, "Sounds good"

A small sad smile barely lifts the corners of her lips, "Okay"

They might as well be strangers, roommates and when she leaves his body doesn't even register her as gone.

OoO

As the exam starts her eyes squeeze shut, the warmth of the woman's skin on the cold of her own makes a slight shiver course through her. When it's done; she knows something is wrong. She's been a cop long enough to read people's faces and she can tell the woman in front of her is worried.

"There is a lump"

Numb

She doesn't cry; she simply blinks as the words slowly seep into her bones.

"I want to do a biopsy, as soon as possible"

Slowly she nods; her reactions dulled, her body feeling suddenly lethargic.

"Olivia, are you okay?" she asks placing a gentle hand on her forearm.

_Is she okay?_ She doesn't even know what that is anymore.

OoO

"Dad"

Maureen had cornered him in the kitchen while the rest of the girls readied themselves upstairs, "Yeah baby"

His toe headed girl had grown up before his eyes and now she stood in front of him, a strong confident woman, "I need to ask you something"

Call it a cop's instinct but he had a feeling he wasn't going to like whatever she was going to ask. He actually hoped for something about a new guy she was dating, or needing some money but she was his first born and they had always shared a special connection.

"Shoot" he said trying to sound nonchalant.

She looks back, as if to make sure they were alone, "Have you spoken to Olivia?"

He can feel the vein in his neck pulsate as his throat goes dry. He hasn't spoken her name out loud in months; even Kathy began to avoid the topic like the plague. He thought the scar was beginning to heal but one whisper of her name and it tears back open causing him to bleed all over himself, "Uh, why" he asks trying to avoid the question.

Arms cross over her chest and she sighs, "Dad" she starts, "I saw her last week"

Saw her…probably spoke to her and his skin prickles with envy, "Where?"

"I was in Manhattan picking up a friend, I stopped at a coffee shop"

"How…how is she?" he manages to choke out.

His daughter looks at her shoes and then back up at him, "I don't really know…we said hi but…I couldn't shake this feeling"

"What feeling"

The nerves ignite in his body and suddenly he is hyper away of everything.

"There was something in her eyes…she didn't seem like the Olivia I knew"

"What do you mean?" he grinds out his eyes wide, the blood running hot in his veins.

It comes out harsher than he anticipated but Maureen doesn't seemed phased "Dad, she seems deflated"

The words main him and he hates himself a little more every day because he left her, walked away like everyone before him and acted like he never looked back. He needs to see her, needs to explain, she has to know that he's spent every second missing her…her smile, her voice, the way she could just look at him and know _everything_.

But he's not ready yet.

"Just call her, please"

He can hear the lyrical sing song of Kathleen's voice calling them and he nods but they both know he's lying.

OoO

"The lump is malignant"

The world goes black. She can't breathe, she can't move and everything the doctor is saying hits her skin and falls to the speckled tiled floor.

A part of her had always accepted the probability that she would die before she was old and gray as a hazard of the job. This, something inside of her that may slowly kill her, is a little more daunting and suddenly she has this overwhelming will to fight it. She doesn't want to die and there is a part of her that's not even sure why she has this will to live because there are times she already feels half dead inside.

_Remove the lump…chemotherapy…we caught this early. _

She nods at the doctor slowly letting it all sink in but it doesn't quite make it past the numbness and when she leaves the office she has no idea what she's doing or where's she's going but ends up back at the 1-6. She had taken the day off but she doesn't want to go home to her empty apartment, she wasn't to be here…in the place that has always been more of a home, in the place where she can still feel _him._

"Aren't you supposed to be off" Fin teases when he sees her.

Despite her small forced smile he must read something in her movements because his face twists in concern as she walks by and into Cragen's office.

The older man furrows his brow, "Day off usually means off" he tells her dryly looking up and then back down to his paperwork.

"Cap, we need to talk"

OoO

It's early in the evening and she stands on his front lawn watering the grass. Kathy had taken Eli into the city for a late lunch with Maureen and he finally feels a moment of peace. He knows that makes him a grade A jackass but at this point he's accepted that fact.

When the sedan pulls up to his curb he feels his stomach crash into his sneakers.

No, no, no, no.

When their eyes meet he swallows hard and Cragen's face tells him that it's not good. His head begins to shake slowly and it's like an outer body experience, "No" he mumbles his eyes pooling with tears, "No, please God, no" falls off his lips.

There is little space between them and the water from the hose is filling his shoes but he can quite feel anything, "Cap, please" he begs.

"She's okay"

Relief spreads through his body, the blood back to running thick and warm in his veins, "She's…she's okay?" he questions unsure of anything at the moment.

This man has been like a father to him and his eyes are rimmed in red and looks exhausted, "I shouldn't be here…hell, I shouldn't have to be here" he tells him sternly, "How could you do this to her?"

The bile rises in his throat and he almost relishes in the cutting of the man's words. It's not anything he doesn't already feel about himself but to be told, it's almost liberating, "I…"

"She's gonna be pissed at me but I just don't care…Olivia needs you right now, you hear me? She needs you, so get yourself together, for her" he spits turning away to leave.

"Cap"

Their eyes meet and Cragen's face softens, "If you are half the man I know you are" he trails off before walking towards the sedan. When he gets to the door he looks at Elliot once more, "She can't do this alone"


	2. I Set You Apart

**A/N: I'm posting a day early because well you rock my life. Thank you for all your reviews, they seriously mean the world to me. **

**This story moves slowly, I like to think of it as an onion with layers slowly peeling. Thank you for continuing with me on the journey!**

**As always, Bestie, thank you for your mad beta skills and just general awesomeness. **

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
>You don't know how lovely you are<br>I had to find you, tell you I need you  
>Tell you I set you apart<br>Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions  
>Oh let's go back to the start<br>(The Scientist – Coldplay)_

The lights from the city began to twinkle outside of her window, the clamor the streets moving at breakneck speed as people rush home from work. It is silent in her apartment, dark, and she sits curled up in the window seat willing herself to feel this…to feel anything.

"_Are you okay?" Cragen asked his eyes wide with worry._

_She sighed. She hadn't expected to tell him so soon but she was here, and she needed to say it out loud, she needed to find a way past the numbness. _

"_I had a doctor's appointment today…they found a lump in my breast, it's cancerous so we're going to do surgery and then rounds of chemotherapy but they are positive we caught it in its early stages…so I'm probably going to need to take some time off"_

_The words don't hit her; they flow from her mouth like she was reading from a medical textbook or explaining a victim's injuries. _

_His mouth smalls slightly agape, his eyes wide with emotion and she gets up, "I'm going to go home now" she tells him pushing out of her seat. _

"_Olivia…wait"_

_But she's already out of the door and halfway down the stairs. _

There are messages on her voicemail and she's sure more than one is from the captain. She hadn't meant to do that to him but she wasn't quite ready for the sad eyes and concern. Sipping her glass of wine she stares at the dirtiness of the streets and wishes she could cry for something.

OoO

For a moment after the sedan pulls away the darkness swirls around him and he has to grasp the fence with both hands to keep himself grounded to the floor. Cragen had told him she was okay…but in an instant his eyes had revealed so much more.

When he is finally able to pull air into his lungs his legs are burning underneath him as he tears up the stairs to where his phone that sits plugged into the charger. Pulling it from the wall his hands tremble with emotion, and he knows as soon as the adrenaline stops pumping through his veins that edge he's been teetering on is going to crumble and fall into a sea of nothing.

"This is Detective Olivia Benson…"

The offending phone explodes into pieces against the wall and he can hear hot short breaths escape his lips, _Goddamnit she has to be okay._

OoO

Orange swirls of dusk begin to fade into a stunning shade of blue. She can't remember the last time she watched a sunset, sat for long enough to see the way the colors change as the sun dips low in the sky. Maybe the realization is starting to seep in, how many little things she missed along the way…how many experiences she had imagined for her life.

Cobalt…that's the color of the sky and it sends a sudden shiver down her spine because it reminds her of his eyes. There was a moment, a pang while wandering aimlessly down the sidewalk after the doctors that she ached to call him.

She hadn't…because that momentary feeling of needing him was drowned out by the remembrance that he was the one who walked away and never looked back.

There is an untouched pizza sitting on her counter; she hadn't even remembered ordering it until the delivery man was on her stoop and the glass of wine she poured is still three quarters of the way full. She knows she should eat, she should do something but instead she sits and watches the lights of the city that she gave up everything for.

OoO

It hits him suddenly, worse than a gun at his temple or a bullet to his chest as Cragen's words play on loop in his head.

"_I shouldn't be here…hell, I shouldn't have to be here" How could you do this to her?" _

"_She's gonna be pissed at me but I just don't care…Olivia needs you right now, you hear me? She needs you, so get yourself together, for her" _

It's almost a foreign concept…she's always been so strong but now he needs to get his shit together and pick up the slack because if the look in his mentor's eyes was an indicator, this wasn't good.

There was more than one time he leaned on her and she gave of herself to him, to the job, to the victims without provocation. Falling back he crashes down onto the bed. Burying his head in his hands he's at a loss on what to do. Looking at the busted cell phone he felt his gut clench…she deserves better then what he had to give; she is better off without him...he can't do this. Closing his eyes his mind betrayed him and Cragen's voice invaded his psyche.

"_If you are half the man I know you are…She can't do this alone"_

He's moving on instinct, his clothes are changed in seconds, his keys are shoved in his pocket and he's tearing down the stairs without thinking of anything but getting to her.

The idea of her needing him, or anyone, scared him. And after all she had given him; after leaving like she wasn't one of most integral parts of his world…he owed her this, he would be whatever she needed him to be.

OoO

The lights shimmer in the darkness and she finally closes her blinds and walks towards the kitchen. Opening the pizza box she takes out a slice, one bite and throws it back in as her stomach churns at the smell.

She supposed she should get used to the nausea…she knew the ravaging effects that chemotherapy took on the body. Catching a glimpse of herself in the television her fingers come to curl around the soft waves of her hair. She had been growing it out, longer then she had ever let it get her first years at the 1-6. Chances were it would be gone soon and she wished she could feel the enormity of it all but apathy is the only thing that resides.

Grabbing the afghan off the back of the couch she lies down willing herself to feel something…_anything_.

OoO

The traffic is horrible and he's growing more and more agitated with each brake light in front of him. He hates not knowing; the powerlessness makes him feeling like he's coming out of his skin. Added to that is the dread because now that the adrenaline is starting to wear off his brain works overtime. It's been months since he left the job, months they've spoken. He knows he's hurt her…and not just because he could hear it in her voicemails but because he knew what it was like to have her leave; to have that connection severed almost killed him. Now he's just showing up on her doorstep on a Thursday evening with nothing but a hunch. For a moment he contemplates turning around, driving back to Queens but his heart, his gut, they press the pedal and pray that God is still listening.

When he finally arrives on her street his chest is heaving. Bracing the wheel he tries to get his emotion in check. It hadn't hit him until he pulled up to her building and then it was like a boulder on his chest crushing his lungs as he gasped for breath. This was bad…he could feel it seep into his skin as he came closer to where she was. It was unexplainable to anyone else but that's always how their connection had been…wordless, without definition, something that existed in a simple look, a nod of the head and now it was suffocating him.

Rubbing his hands over his face he climbed out of the car relishing in the sting of the cold air on his skin. Every feeling seemed amplified ten-fold and for the first time in months he felt alive.

OoO

Her eyes snap open and for a moment the air is thick around her. Running her hands through her hair shivers at the way all her nerve endings seem to be lit like live wires. Sliding off the couch she walks towards the bathroom. The knock on the door slides down her spine like nimble fingers on piano keys.

Closing her eyes she fights back the emotion she most desperately was dying to feel hours ago. Suddenly everything hits her, and that steely armored façade begins to dent.

Trembling she walks towards the door…_it's not_…it can't be but she can feel it, feel him…and the hairs on her neck stand on end and she's hyperaware of the moment…the clock tick, the sounds of the cars outside, the knock of scarred knuckles on oak.

Fingers reach out for the knob slowly, like she's testing to see if it's real. Closing her eyes, she tugs her lip between her teeth and slowly turns it as the moisture pools in her eyes. Blood rushes to her skin and she pulls it open swiftly expecting for this to be another conjured up memory.

His blue eyes shimmer with emotion, his jaw is tensed, he looks like hell, and he's the oasis in the dessert. The bow breaks, and the overwrought elastic rubber band inside of her snaps as the sob seizes her body, "El"

OoO

It almost kills him; the moment when he watches her body convulse in anguish. The look in her eyes was enough to break him and this; it's enough to make him ache to take it from her in some way. It's instinctual and in a moment his arms are around her and he knows if they were both thinking straight they would remember…_they don't do this_. But this, her face buried into him, her tears soaking through his sweatshirt to his naked skin, their bodies so close he can't tell where he ends and she begins, it the most right thing in the world.


	3. Terrified

**A/N: Posting early since its Christmas this weekend, and you know what makes a great present, reviews, lol. Seriously thank you for all your feedback and support, you guys rock! **

**As always thanks my Bestie for her beta skills and just general awesomeness. **

_Exuberant and terrified  
>Every time I look into your eyes<br>But I can't entertain the thought  
>Cuz we both know I'm not the man you thought I was<br>And I'm hardly the hero  
>This is the only thing I know to do<br>To make it through  
>But I need you to believe<br>That beneath this bravado  
>I'd still give anything to have a chance<br>To get you back  
>And I'm hardly a hero for that<em>

_(Hardly a Hero – Levi Kreis)_

Her fingers sink into his flesh and she's clinging to him with a silent desperation that makes him long to sink down to his knees in reverence. The ache that had begun with Cragen's words bore new life as her tears soaked through his shirt baptizing him like holy water. Any trepidation he had felt had died the moment her toffee flecked eyes had met his own. Her eyes had always been her Judas, silent betraying that careful mask she had perfected. There were times they would be swirled with so many conflicting emotions it was like staring into the eye of a hurricane. He had missed it…looking in her eyes; knowing exactly what words couldn't say. This time; he knew it was bad…because there was a raw brokenness in their depths that jabbed at his soul like shards of glass.

Tears stung the lids of his eyes but he fought back the torrent of emotion…this time it was his turn to be the strong one.

OoO

If this is another dream; she just wants it to last another moment, to finally feel the emptiness begin to fade. The moment their eyes met; she felt the dam inside of her break and all of the things that had been locked away flooded her insides. _She could die_. Sure, the doctors said it was early, treatments at this stage were highly successful but that didn't change facts…this could kill her. So all the hurt and pain at him leaving, the anger that simmers under her skin; right now it didn't matter…because she doesn't want to do this alone.

One more moment…one more and then she'll pull away.

OoO

Her scent invades his senses and reality smacks him in the face on just how much he missed the sheer presence of her. These months away have been slow torture and laying eyes on her, holding her…it's like a death row reprieve…_salvation_.

His hand rubs slow soothing circles across her back, his lips at her temple, eyes closed praying to a God he's ignored for too long.

When she begins to pull away he wants to wrap his arms tighter around her; just for a second more but instead he lets her detangle herself from him slowly. The moment she lets go, he misses her already, and he knows he can't do this again…she's going to fight him but trying to walk away again; it will kill him this time.

OoO

It's too much…after months of numbness; the flood of emotions is overwhelming. And when she looks at him, his crystalline eyes shining with tears there are equal parts inside of her that want to hit him and cling to him. It's paradoxical in that way; the ability to tear her apart and put her back together in the same breath.

"Liv"

She realizes it's the first word he's spoken beside the unintelligible soothing murmurings he had released in her hair. Hearing his voice again, after all this time, it makes her breath catch in her throat. It's hoarse, low, the deep vibrato making her ache to pull the gray sweatshirt tighter around her.

"Liv" he repeats, "What…what's wrong"

For a moment she lets his words penetrate her skin…_he knew. _

_Cragen._

In an instant, the anger is back, burning hot in her veins and she closes her eyes, shakes her head for entertaining a notion that he just happened to show up on her doorstep just when she needed him, "Nothing, you can go now"

OoO

At this point; he's pretty much fucked. He feels his shoulders sag and looks down at his shoes, "Liv"

"Go Elliot"

Her voice is stern, controlled, and that wall that he had started to build when he walked away rose swiftly, "No"

She huffs angrily and he's trying to build up the courage to look into her eyes…because he knows the anger is there. He deserves the anger; it's everything else he's not quite ready to handle. Because those eyes that have brought him comfort, joy, pain, will be reflect all the ways he had let her down.

Leaving, ignoring her, it was never meant to hurt her. In the convoluted mist after shooting Jenna he had decided that she was better off without him…hell, maybe she still was…but that bond, that invisible tether bound him in a way that was stronger than vows.

"Cragen had no right to tell you anything…so please, turn around, drive back to Queens and you can go back to your happy life without me"

It's then he brings his gaze to hers and he feels the sob stuck between his heart and his throat, "You think I've been happy?" he asked his voice husky with emotion, "You think I don't miss you?"

OoO

It's easier to be mad at him, to drown in the burn of the anger because then she can ignore the incompleteness that has made permanent residence in her heart since he left. His eyes seem to look through her and she hates him for it…that he still knows her better than anyone else.

Shaking her head she crosses her arms over her chest as an armor against the magnetic way she was drawn to him, "You want to know what I think?" she asked her tone biting and cold, "I think you should leave"

"Liv"

"No El, no, you left. You walked away and you didn't look back. I called you every day, I practically begged you…do you know what it was like for me? Do you know how pathetic I felt to have everyone at that station look at me with pity in their eyes? So you don't get to show up on my doorstep and act like nothing has changed"

The tears pool in her eyes, threatening to overflow at any moment. She doesn't want to cry over him again, especially not with him standing there in front of her looking like the walking wounded, "Just go Elliot, please"

OoO

She was killing him slowly and he knew he deserved every plunge of the knife. Running his hands over his face he lets out a deep sigh, "I deserve that, all of it. I do" he said his hands trembling, "I know I hurt you but you gotta know…that was never my intention, okay? After Jenna, I felt so damn lost Liv…I was no good to anyone; I wasn't even good for myself"

"El"

"Every morning I woke up, I wanted to sit across from you, bring you your tea, argue over the radio station but I couldn't go back…not where I killed that girl, I couldn't go back and look in your eyes after…"

There is a moment of silence, tension hanging thick in the air and she moves towards him, "I was never disappointed in you" she tells him sternly, "Never. I never blamed you. It was a good shot Elliot, you did the right thing"

It releases something inside of him and that dull rot and ache that has been festering since that day seems to begin to heal. Her words; or more the conviction behind them is liberating and the self imposed hell he was in seemed less suffocating.

"Liv, please just let me help you"

OoO

She wants to…she wants nothing more than to remember the way the broken pieces inside of each other seem to match perfectly together. But she can't…not right now. It's all too fresh; he makes her feel too much.

"I can't do this with you right now" she spits out her voice an octave higher then intended, "I can't…I can't be your pity project, okay?"

"Pity project?"

"Oh come on Elliot…Cragen went to you because he knows, and you know, that I have no one else. So forgive me for not wanting to help you lessen the burden on your soul"

Her words are pointed, biting and she can tell they are hitting the intended target because his eyes deepen to a stunning shade of indigo, "That's not what this is" he grinds out.

"Oh yeah, well then tell me what it is" she mocks feeling the rage boil inside of her, "Explain to me what this is"

OoO

They like to run in circles around each other; raging like a storm one moment, placid and calm still waters the next. Shaking his head he looks at her, really looks at her. Her hair is longer, even pulled back he can tell, the bags under her eyes more pronounced and she's wearing his sweater. _His sweater_, for some reason, it comforts him.

"If Cragen would have been able to get a hold of you in Oregon…if he told you I needed you…what would you do?"

Daggers shoot from her eyes, "That's different"

Shaking his head he takes a small step towards her, "You left me. You walked away"

"I didn't…"

"Answer the question Liv, if Cragen would have called you and told you that I needed you, really needed you…what would you have done?"

It's what they are good at, pushing each other…sometimes painfully but he knows he has to do this; he has to make her understand.

Her voice is small when she finally speaks, "What do you want me to say" she asks her voice beginning to grow as the words spill forth from her lips, "You want me to tell you that I would have broken protocol and run back to New York if I found out you were sick? Then yes, is that what you wanted to hear?"

OoO

_Sick…sick…sick…sick…_

One word and it's enough to steal the oxygen from his lungs. She's always been a little infallible to him; set on this pedestal in his head, superwoman in ways…sure he worried about her; lived in constant fear that a perp would get the best of him and it would affect her. But it was never about her ability but his own failings.

His lip trembles slightly and he can barely ground out the words, "You're sick?"

The usual bronze of her skin faded to a pale as the enormity of her words struck back at her, "Cragen didn't tell you"

Holding her eyes he shook his head, "He told me that you needed me…he didn't…"

OoO

She could try to lie…but they've never done that well with each other before. And him standing in front of her again, with that look in his eyes; knowing he came on instinct, it means too much, "Breast cancer"

OoO

It's an exquisite kind of pain, like a speeding bullet easily slicing through layers of muscle. He feels the sting at first, but it isn't until the lead hits the bone that he feels his insides become liquid. She looks at him, her jaw set, her eyes shimmering with tears trying to be brave and he knows…he can't lose her again.


	4. Harsh Realizations

**A/N:. I know the pacing is probably killing some people at this point, lol. I'm going to do my best to update again on Sunday just because you guys are awesome. **

**As always, Bestie, you are my rock star, thank you for your mad beta skills.**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, put on alert and is reading: you fuel the muse. **

_I've been finding myself in harsh realizations  
>Hearing the truth in your indignation<br>There is such a thing, as being too strong  
>I was unaware<br>I made myself into an island  
>Too afraid to let you in too long<br>You tried  
>Giving all your heart could offer<br>I tried  
>But my efforts were too late<em>

_I would hold you all night  
>If there was such a thing as second chances<br>If I had just made different choices  
>I'd know how to live again<br>And I would hold you all night_

_(Hold You All Night – Levi Kreis)_

He can feel hands tighten around his neck, squeezing, crushing his windpipe slowly as he gasps for air and feels himself stumble backwards. There is a strangled sob burning a hole in his gut and pools of tears fill his eyes. Shutting them tightly he realizes he can't do this, not right now, he can't fall apart in front of her…she needs him to be strong.

Slowly he lets his gaze find hers again. The brown orbs have deepened to the color of cappuccino, a sheen of moisture making them shimmer in the dim light, "Cancer?" manages to tumble off his lips.

Shrugging she wraps her arms tighter around herself, her lips tightened in a line, "Yeah"

It's her eyes that will be his undoing because in the midst of their strength he can see the sliver of fear that she tries so hard to conceal, "No…"

OoO

The look in his eyes transports her to another time…to his fingertips on her throat; that look of terror in his crystalline eyes, and she feels like fragile porcelain as it cracks beneath a steel façade.

Taking a deep breath she tries to force the corners of her mouth up, "The doctor is positive, she said we caught it early and with…"

She's not prepared for his hand reaching out for hers, and the moment their skin touches, she shatters again; a slight tremble coursing through her body, "Liv"

He pulls her towards him and she wants to fight him, tugs to pull herself away from the hold he has on her wrist, "Stop" he orders.

The hand he's not gripping swings at his chest, catching him off guard as he lets her go; her newly freed hands begin pounding at his chest. Pulling their torsos flush he locks his arms around her, "It's okay, I got you" he whispers hoarsely in her ear and the last tremor escapes her and she let's herself meld into him again.

OoO

They end up on the couch and he holds onto her for as long as she lets him because he has this irrational fear that the moment he releases her she's going to fade away. When she pulls away, her eyes are swollen, her nose red and she looks indescribable to him "You should go home, Kathy's probably worried"

Always looking out for everyone else; it's one of the first things that endeared him about her. Now, it just bursts that wound in his chest right open because right now the only thing that matters is her, "She's fine"

Her mouth opens but closes again and she scoots away from him on the couch, letting her head fall back onto the cushion and her eyes close. He just sits there silently watching her, and he knows that if this wasn't happening she would have told him to stop staring_. He can't_...he knows he should but he just wants to make sure she's real, that she's still there with him, that she believes he's not going to let her down this time.

Time seems insignificant, and minutes or hours pass, before the steady rise and fall of her chest lets him know that the exhaustion finally overcame that iron will of hers and he pulls the afghan off the back of the couch and spreads it across her. There are so many things he wishes he could look into her eyes and say; to tell her what she means to him, how he can't lose her…instead he sits back on the couch and counts each breath that escapes her lips.

OoO

It's the first time she's slept in months and when her eyes finally flutter open it's because she feels a surge of warmth that spreads through her body. Her feet are pressed against his thigh, his head is titled back against the cushions of her couch and it reminds her of late nights in the crib. The memory alone burns inside of her chest, and she allows herself to remember how much she's missed him.

She knows she should wake him; Kathy is probably freaking out but she just wants…needs this, for a just a moment longer. Closing her eyes she settles her head back on the couch cushion_, just a minute longer_, and the peace seeps back into her bones.

OoO

His neck aches, and his back is stiffer then he would like to admit…but he's slept better then he has in months. Her feet are in his lap, fuzzy blue socks and it wells up an emotion inside of him he had tried to bury when he walked away from her. He lost a part of himself that day…maybe the biggest part, and it scares the shit out of him to think that this time neither of them has a say in the walking away.

"Hey" she mumbles sleepily their eyes meeting.

"Hey"

For a moment they simply stare at each other before she retracts her feet, "Sorry about that"

"S'okay"

"You should go"

Nodding he rubs his neck, "Yeah"

Her feet hit the ground softly before she pulls herself off the couch and turns towards her room before pivoting on her heel and turning back to him, "El"

"Yeah"

"Thanks for coming"

The wound hasn't been magically healed; the hurt and pain is still fresh but it feels like it's the beginning of a road he's willing to travel no matter the terrain because she's worth it…she always has been, "I'm not going anywhere Liv"

Their gazes hold in a silent battle but she acquiesces first and looks away, "Night"

"Good Morning"

OoO

He should go home…but as the sky begins to fade from the blackest of night he finds himself in a church in Queens. It's not his regular parish…and the truth was he had been avoiding stepping over that threshold for awhile. But, if there was any time he needed God to be listening, it was now.

Walking towards the altar he feels the weariness settle into his bones. A part of him aches to slump down in the pew and let the emotion overtake him. Instead he goes towards the flickering candles and closes his eyes letting the shadows dance behind his lids. After lighting his own he turns and sits in the front pew pulling out the worn rosary.

Squeezing it in his palm he lets the edges dig into his skin, almost willing God to let him take the brunt of the pain, and he prays; harder than he's ever prayed that that they make it through this…because he knows that if she doesn't; he won't either.

OoO

There is a comfort in the way his smell lingers in her apartment and she hates herself for feeling like that. She's always prided herself on a strong sense of independence, self preservation but he's always been her Achilles heel. It's something that defies sense, words but it is there in ways no one else could ever truly grasp.

Crawling underneath her cold sheets she feels a shiver course through her; one she knows has nothing to do with the weather.

As the orange begins to shine through the spaces in between the buildings she closes her eyes and sees the most stunning shade of blue as her body succumbs to sleep.

OoO

Dawn is breaking, the first shines of light over the city, when he finally makes it home. Walking through his front door he expects to feel comforted by the familiarity…instead, he finds himself longing for the warmth and smells of someone else.

Tossing his keys on the end table he wanders into the kitchen pulling out a bottle of water and letting his eyes transfix on the patches of darkness intersected with the gentle flickers of morning. He could feel the boulder in his gut churning as the prickles of emotion began to ignite his nerve endings.

Taking a long swig of water he slams it down on the counter and hangs his head.

"Where the hell have you been, your cell phone is smashed, and so I sat up half the night waiting for a call from the cops or worse" Kathy asks her tone a mixture of anger and hurt.

It takes him a moment to even look at her, and when their eyes meet her eyebrows knit together and concern mars her face, "Elliot…what's the matter" she whispers, "Are you okay"

Something inside of him snaps and before he can do anything to stop them he tastes the saltiness of tears on his lips. He turns away from her gripping the counter, knuckles white, his body convulsing…_he can't lose her, he can't fucking lose her._

"Elliot, please, you're scaring me"

Turning his head he looks at her; really looks at her. She's been his wife for two decades but he can't remember the last time he ever stared at her and now he hates himself for it because looking into her cornflower blue eyes makes him remember that she may be his wife in name, but there are so many other things she can never be.

His lip trembles and he swipes at his tears with the back of his hand, "Its Liv" is all he manages to ground out before the emotion wracks his body again and he feels her arms come around him and the scattered pieces of his heart cling to the canyons that exist between them.


	5. In This Together

**A/N: Yay, a double update week! This is for all you wonderful people because your feedback and reviews truly mean the world to me. I hope you have an amazing New Year! **

**Bestie, I adore you, thank you for your beta skills, the random DM's and just being you. You are one of the best things about 2011 **

**And Ashlepedia, my medical knowledge Goddess, thank you for letting me pick your brain. **

_You always made it on your own  
>It was all under your control<br>Everything on a roll, till now  
>Never a problem you couldn't face<br>Two steps ahead of the race  
>Everything fell into place, till now<br>Till now  
>We are in this together<br>I'll never let you down  
>I was always there<br>But you never looked around  
>Till now<em>

_(Everybody Needs a Little Help – Shannon Noll)_

She can't recall the last time she slept through her alarm but when she wakes it glows a fiery 9:30. Turning over she looks at the other night stand where her phone should be sitting connected to its charger. It's not, and she has no will to get out of bed and look for it.

The memories from the night before flood in, assaulting her senses and if it wasn't for the way his smell lingered on her sweatshirt; she would have thought it was all another dream. It hadn't been, he had been there in her apartment, he had held her…_she had let him._

Sighing she pulls the comforter back under her chin until the incessant knocking on her front door jars her from any semblance of peace she was trying so hard to reach.

Grumbling she lets her feet hit the wood floor, "I'm coming, hold your horses" she grumbles, "Damn it Stabler, didn't I just send you…" she starts until she pulls open the peep hole.

_Cragen. _

Opening the door she sighs, "I know you said you needed time off but I didn't know if you meant now and you didn't answer your cell phone or your house phone and I…"

Their eyes meet, and in the midst of the fact that she's more than a little pissed off at him she can't help but appreciate that he's here…that he cares.

"I should have called"

"No it's…"

He thrusts his hands in his pockets and rocks slightly on the balls of his feet studying the grain of her floor, "I'm sorry"

She knows what he's talking about because it's Cragen and he's been the only father figure she's ever really had, "I'm not going to say that it's okay…because it's not, and I'm not going to say I'm not upset with you"

"Olivia"

Holding up her hand she continues, "But even though I don't like what you did…I understand why you did it"

Nodding he looks at her again and he nods, "Take as much time as you need, and I know you won't do it but if you need anything, call me"

They both know she won't.

OoO

The light shining in his window lets him know that he's slept longer then he had anticipated because it's not until late in the morning that the sun rises over the trees. Looking at the alarm clock he sighs; his body is heavy, senses dulled and he regrets taking the sleeping pill.

Court mandated therapy…it was one of the hoops IAB had tried to make him jump through. He went to exactly one and half sessions and got a nice parting gift of sleeping pills before he told the therapist where he could shove his mumbo jumbo.

Before that morning he had taken one in hopes it would take the nightmares away; instead it just left him lethargic and dulled. Now he wasn't quite sure if it was the sleeping pills or the way his heart limped to beat in his chest.

_Olivia. _

The conversation he had with Kathy that morning is a jumbled mess in his mind and all he could really focus on the last twelve hours was the way the liquid swirls of brown pooled in her eyes. It had taken him every ounce of self control, and a sedative, to not to run back across town just to make sure she was still there. Even if she never spoke to him again; he needed to know she was out there...because his world ceased to make sense without her in it.

OoO

After Cragen leaves she actually contemplates going back to bed but she shakes off the urge and checks her phone instead. Six missed calls, four from Cragen, one from her doctor and one…_from him_. The time stamp revealed that it had been the night before…before he had come to her apartment; before she had revealed it all.

She was still hurt. Him leaving her for months was still too raw for her to just be over…but the look in his eyes; it reflected back something she knew quite well because it was the same look she imagined she had every time she came close to losing him.

Fighting back the urge to call him she dials her doctor instead, "Hello yes, this is Olivia Benson returning Dr. Brady's call…sure, yes I'll hold"

Setting onto her couch she pulled her feet underneath her and waits until the doctor picks up the line, "Olivia, glad to hear from you, I wanted to see if you could come in today, just so we can go over the schedule for next week, aftercare and such"

Sighing she felt her shoulders sag. She had thought about going into the station, busying herself with some mindless task, trying to forget the last 24 hours, "Sure, what time is good"

"12:15"

"Okay, we'll see you then"

OoO

The phone sounds far away and it takes three rings for him to realize that it's his house phone, "Stabler Residence" he answers.

"El, it's me, I just wanted to call and see if you were okay"

"_Elliot, what about Olivia? Is she okay, did she get hurt?"_

_Pulling away from her he gripped her arms gently staring into her blue eyes, "I can't...not right now…I'm sorry" he manages to get out between the strangled sob in his throat and the sound of his pulse in his ears, "I'm sorry"_

_A shiver runs through her and he lets go of the hold he has to turn around and run his hands through his shortly cropped hair, "I'm…sorry" he repeated over and over, "I'm sorry" as he walked away from her. _

Squeezing his eyes shut he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Yeah, uh, I'm okay"

"Okay"

He could tell she wanted more, needed more…but he wasn't ready to say it out loud and he wasn't ready to share it with anyone else.

"Uh, I have to get a new phone" he said changing the subject, "Need me to grab anything while I'm out"

There was a moment of silence and he could almost picture that weary resigned look in her eyes, "No, thank you"

"Alright I'm going to go"

"Bye Elliot"

OoO

Her phone rings before she's about to enter the doctor's office, "Detective Benson"

"Hey"

She hates her reaction to the deep timbers of his voice; the way the goose bumps burst over her skin and the contented sigh that wants to escape from her lips, "Hey"

"Listen, I was wondering…are you free for lunch?"

There is a part of her that thinks she should just hang up on him but she doesn't, "I'm at the doctor's right…"

"Are you okay?"

"Fine El" she answers rolling her eyes, "Just a checkup…do you want to meet up after?"

A part of her isn't quite sure why she asked; but if she was being honest with herself…she wanted to see him because as pissed as she is; she's missed him more.

"Alright, um, how about 1:30 at the deli on Fifth"

_Her favorite. _

"I'll see you then"

"Bye Liv"

OoO

"The lumpectomy is an outpatient procedure; you'll need to be released into someone's care. The pain level varies but you will be in some discomfort. In addition to the painkillers I want you to take an antibiotic since your immune system is weakened and we want to avoid infections of any kind. You're going to need to take it easy for, at least, a couple of days, no heavy lifting and no exercise" she warned.

_Desk duty…just another thing to pile onto the list. _

"In four to six weeks depending on your recovery, we will start chemotherapy. This consists of a month worth of oral medicine, along with four A/C treatments which are spaced three weeks apart"

She was trying to absorb it all; the words falling onto her skin but her reactions not quite fully developed. From experience, she knew it would hit her later, and she tried to mentally prepare for it.

"Olivia are you okay"

Looking up at the doctor she let out the breath she was holding, "Yeah, I'm fine"

"I know this is a lot to process right now and we'll go over it again but I wanted to give you an overview"

"Thank you, continue please"

The women painted on a comforting smile, "Reactions to chemotherapy range...and these include nausea, weight loss, loss of appetite, loss of hair"

_Loss of hair. _

It wasn't that she considered herself a vain person; she didn't place her self-worth on her looks but…it was her hair…and it was a harsh reminder of how real this all was.

"You will need someone to assist you home after the treatments. Do you have any questions?"

Slowly she shook her head, "No…not right now"

"Okay, Olivia, we caught this early, that is a good thing"

"Thank you"

OoO

The black Henley clings to her skin and is layered on top of a jeans and sneakers. To anyone else she looked like just another beautiful passerby but he notices the slight sag in her shoulders, the weariness in her eyes.

"_Dad she looks…deflated" _

Maureen's words in the kitchen weeks ago haunted him. He was to blame for the state of things between them. It made him hate himself a little more because he should have been there for her from the beginning; she should have never had to face even a second of this alone…and she wouldn't have to anymore…not if he could help it.

OoO

There is a tension in the air between them; like two magnets that are drawn and yet repel each other. It reminds her of Oregon and it helps to soften things…because she remembers being the one to walk away that time.

"Maureen told me she saw you a couple weeks ago" he says as they sit in the table they've dined at a thousand times.

Smiling she remembers seeing the girl…now a woman. It was strange; they had shared almost a lifetime together, "In the coffee shop…I can't believe she's all grown up, it seems like just yesterday"

Eyes meet and they both smile, "I know" he says shaking his head, "The house seems so empty sometimes"

"How's Eli"

"He's a monster" he says teasingly, "Into everything, and he idolizes Dickie…_I mean Richard_, which means he's that much more intolerable"

It's the first time in months she's smiled, really smiled, and they dance around the elephant in the room but for a moment she just wants to remember what happiness feels like.

OoO

Her smile has the ability to heal parts of him because he knows as long as she can still give him that smile they will be okay…they have to be.


	6. Ache

**A/N: I want to really thank everyone who has reviewed, it means a lot. And thanks to everyone who is reading. **

**Bestie, I appreciate your constant support and mad beta skills more than you know.**

_I am shamed and you are lost  
>We both ache for things we ain't got<br>I was praying that you'd find me  
>Teach me something I don't know<br>I was praying that you'd find me  
>Praying that you'd guide me home<em>

_What you want from me  
>It's not something I could give you for free<br>And all I know in this life is you can't stop breathing_

_So, Whatever it takes  
>Tell me you'll stay with me forever<br>Don't turn away  
>Tell me you'll stay<br>'Cause when we're together, Oh I see stars above the headlights  
>And they don't seem so far away<em>

_(Ron Pope – Whatever It Takes)_

They sit on her stoop…a Styrofoam cup of coffee sits between his palms, her own tea sits on the concrete steps next to her, and it makes her flash back to another time, another chapter in what had become of the story of them. Her life has been earmarked by their ebbs and flows…the tide continually changing, tossing them around, but at the core they were always the same…the one constant that she has always been able to hold on to.

He had insisted on walking her home, and ensured that she couldn't argue it by having parked his car in front of her building and backtracking to the deli. She wanted to be annoyed but it was one of those things that made her roll her eyes and yet, endeared her. It was him in all the ways she had missed those months of separation.

"How's work?"

It's the first time he's broached the subject and they both know it's still a sore sport for both of them.

Taking a sip of the tea she stares out and watches the headlights and taillights blur together, "It's different"

A comfortable silence falls between them and she knows he's letting her set her own pace; that it's probably killing him to do so but he isn't asking her to reveal more than she can, "Cragen is still Cragen. Munch isn't out on the field much so Fin and I alternate between taking the rookies out but we get to work together more too, which is nice. "

There is a part of him that will never get used to not being the one to watch her back and he hates it because he doesn't completely trust another person to do the job.

"Rollins…Amanda…she's a little green but she's a good cop. She seems to be able to connect with the victims"

"Sounds like someone I knew once upon a time"

She doesn't have to look at him to know the smirk that lifts the corners of his lips and she gives him a cutting sideways glance fighting back the upward tug her own lips, "Amaro…Nick…he's…kinda a hothead, lets his anger get the best of him at times…reminds me of someone"

A wry chuckle falls from his lips and she can't fight back the slow smile that spreads across her face. There are memories between them, battle scars, and the slow graze of their jean clad thighs reminds her of all they are and all they have lost along the way.

Her smile fades, replaced by the shadows that lurk, "It was hard…especially at first" she admits.

There is something about releasing it out loud that makes her stomach clench and she can feel the familiar sting of saline in her eyes.

His head turns to meet her gaze, and there is a visible lump in his throat, "I'm sorry"

OoO

They're not touching; besides the occasional bump of their legs, and it's the closest he's felt to anyone in months. He knew he missed her; the ache lives in his bones but he didn't really understand the depth of it until now. Because now he wants to hang on every word, to commit to memory every inflection of her tone, the toffee flecks that swirl her eyes so that when he closes his eyes tonight she's still there with him.

"I know El"

Her tone is hoarse, emotion laced in the way she turns her head to look at him and then looks away before she thinks she's revealed too much. They do it well; try to hide from each other even if they both should know by now that their bodies have always said what their mouths couldn't.

A slight shiver runs through her and he hadn't noticed the way the sun had fallen in the sky, an orange glow settling over them. Shrugging off his sweater he holds it out to her, "I'm…"

"Take it"

Shrugging she puts it on and he smiles, "Probably not getting it back, am I" he teases.

"Probably not"

_God this feels good. _

OoO

For a long time they just sit and watch the bustle of the city and it isn't until the streetlights come on that she noticed just how much time has passed.

"It's getting late…you should probably"

His shoulders sag as he looks to the watch on his wrist, "Yeah probably"

There is a part of her that longs to ask…to know how he's been and yet there is a piece of her that is scared of the life he's created away from her, _without her._

"Um, I'll call you tomorrow" he tells her standing up.

"You don't…"

"It wasn't question…I'll call you tomorrow"

Arching a well manicured brow she shakes her head and turns to walk up her steps sliding her key into the door, "And Liv"

"Yeah" she asks pivoting to look at him again.

"Blink the lights"

"Jerk"

OoO

He hadn't wanted to leave but he didn't want to push her. He knew they were still treading on thin ice. It took him back to Gitano and everything that happened in the aftermath. There were moments he still flashed back to moment he watched her fall to the ground. The thought of losing her had been paralyzing and he lashed out because pushing her away seemed easier at the time. It's exactly what he had done after Jenna…ran…forgetting the empty spaces inside of him that only she seemed to seep into.

The clock on the dash reveals the time as much later then he expected. Kathy hasn't called…it's not surprising anymore. They reside in the same house and yet live entirely separate lives.

His key slides into the door and Eli is bounding down the stairs, his blond curls still damp from the bath, his flannel pajamas making a swooshing sound, "Dadddddddddddddddddy"

Scooping him into his arms he kisses his head, "Hey buddy"

Their eyes meet and she offers a simple forlorn smile, "You want to put him down?"

"Sure"

"Okay"

OoO

His sweater smells like him and it brings her a modicum of comfort. Stripping out of her clothes she pulls on pajama pants, a tank before eyeing it and pulling it back on. She tells herself she's cold but there is something about being wrapped up in its warmth that makes her feel less alone.

_He's back. _

And she can't quite reconcile how she feels about it. There are parts of her that are still angry but there are bigger parts of her that long for more nights like tonight. The loneliness was like a winter inside of her but she could feel the cold slowly melting away again from the moment he showed up on her doorstep.

Pulling out the pamphlets from the doctor she lets out a deep sigh. Her life has changed; _irrevocably_…and she's afraid to let herself admit how much it all scares her.

OoO

"Down for the count" he says coming into the kitchen.

Her hands are in the sink rinsing plates and her head cocks to the side to look at him, "You want me to reheat a plate for you?"

"Nah"

"Okay"

She goes back to her task and he clears his throat, "Can we…talk?"

Silently she shuts off the water; wipes her hands, and comes to sit at the table with him. They sit across from each other; physically close, emotionally it's like there are oceans in between them, "I'm sorry about this morning" he starts not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it.

"I just…you don't talk to me and I've just…I don't know if I've seen you like that and it scared me"

His eyes close to shut in the familiar burning of tears that threaten to pool into his eyes. He doesn't want to say it out loud, he doesn't want to admit it but he knows if he's going to be of any help to her he has to, "Liv…uh…I found out…she's sick"

"Sick?"

Running his hands over his face he stares at the ceiling and tries to get his emotions in check. Anger, sadness, hurt, pain they course through him and he can feel his heart pound against his ribcage. His fingertips tremble and he brings his gaze back to her, "She...she has _cancer_" he grounds out stumbling on the last word.

Kathy's eyes widen, her hand covers her mouth in shock, "I…oh God"

An errant tear escapes his clenched eyes and he places his head in his hands letting the enormity of it all crash into him over and over, tears splashing angrily on the table top.

Her hand reaches out to touch his forearm and he fights the urge to pull away from her. Her touch feels foreign, uninvited and he hates himself more because of it.

"El, if there's anything I can…"

Shaking his head he extracts himself from her touch, "I'm gonna go take a shower"

Eyebrows knit in confusion and his mouth flails open to try and say something, anything but instead he turns and walks away needing to clear his head.

OoO

"Detective Benson"

"Hey yo Liv, this is Fin, I know you're off for a couple of days but I gotta go talk to Valerie Marlow again. I know you two kind of bonded so I was wondering if you want to head out with me tomorrow in the morning"

"Yeah sure, what time?"

"I'll pick you up at 10, that okay?"

"Sure Fin"

"See you then"

Clicking the phone she sets it on the end table. She knew there was more behind Fin's call; she realized people at the station were worried about her…and she had given them just cause. When Elliot left, she flailed, became a little more reckless, angrier, jaded in a way that she never expected and she had begun to wonder how long she could continue on that path.

Now, there was something entirely bigger to deal with…and she wasn't sure how ready she was to say it out loud to anyone else.


	7. When Morning Comes

**A/N: I know the pace is slow in this…it does begin to move at a faster pace in a couple chapters but I felt this beginning it was important for it to move as is. Thank you for sticking with me. **

**Bestie, seriously you ground me and you are fabulous and awesome. Thank you for your mad beta skills. **

_I have walked alone_  
><em> Lost in the fog<em>  
><em> All I find are faded pictures from a distant life<em>  
><em> And I wish to God I could see your eyes<em>

_ Ba da da_

_ I ain't got no magic potion_  
><em> All I know is that we're better of together than we ever were alone<em>  
><em> So if you let me try<em>  
><em> Just give me time,<em>  
><em> Oh<em>  
><em> Woman I will find a way to help you ease your troubled mind<em>

_(Daylight - Ron Pope)**  
><strong>_

The familiar hiss of the pipes rouses him from fitful sleep. After his shower he had retreated to the guest room and spent the night staring at the ceiling. He had thought about calling her; that indescribable need to her voice was overwhelming at three in the morning. Instead he had went down to the garage, cracked the shit out of his knuckles on the punching bag until his body was too weak to protest his overwrought mind's machinations.

Sitting up he rubs the sleep out of his eyes. Saturday…Eli's little league game. His bare feet hit the floorboards as he forces his body out of bed. Walking towards the sounds he finds Eli on his bed, still clad in the pajamas watching cartoons, "Morning Daddy" he says his eyes still locked on the screen.

"You ready for your game?"

Blonde curls bounce as his head nods, "Mommy's brushing her teeth and then we're going to put my uniform on" he informs him happily.

A wide smile spread across his face because as messed up as he had made everything in his life; Eli was proof that he did something right in the midst of all the wrong.

Walking towards the master bedroom he strips his pajama shirt, changing quickly before going towards the bathroom. He wants to call her before they leave…he needs to hear her voice because he knows if he doesn't; his whole day will be shot to hell.

OoO

Sleep had been elusive at first but her body settled somewhere in the night and she woke up for the first time in months feeling rested. She didn't think about why, _or who,_ because doing that would admit her lack of control over her own emotional and physical stability, and she wasn't ready to consciously admit that.

The morning routine was one she knew well. Shower, hair blown out, foundation, mascara, a little blush, the no nonsense suit, the sensible shoes, badge at her hip, gun in the holster and the mask she had perfected was complete.

Detective Benson, tough cop…it was always an easier façade then being Olivia…product of rape, neglected child, single solitary woman, _breast cancer patient_.

When her phone vibrates she assumes its Fin, arriving early, but takes a sharp intake of breath when she sees the caller ID. For a moment she thinks of letting it go to voicemail; maybe just a tad bit of payback for those 23 calls that went left unanswered but she can't bring herself to be petty right now. Three days ago she would have told him where he could shove his cell phone but, _everything_ has changed. She doesn't know if she has the energy or _time_ to push him away.

"Hey"

"Morning"

She looks at her watch, "Saturday morning, shouldn't you be at a t-ball game?" she asks sitting on the edge of her couch.

A slight chuckle comes through, "Yeah, I'm waiting for Eli to get ready and just wanted to call and see how you were"

"El, I'm fine…" she starts ready to argue her point.

He cuts her off, "Yeah, I know but humor me, okay?"

Her lips twitch upwards and she shakes her head closing her eyes and letting herself just get lost in the vibrato of his tone, "Yeah okay" she teases, "But not for long because Fin's coming to pick me up, we have to re-interview a vic"

There is a silence and she knows him well enough to picture the forlorn look on his face because it would have been him…and there are parts of her that knows they both believe it still should be, "Oh…Saturday morning…"

"It's a re-interview, Alex needs it for the deposition Monday and Fin knew that I made a connection with her so he asked me to come along"

The feeling of talking shop with him is odd…because there is a part of her that doesn't know how much to open up because talking about the job with him has always been as natural as breathing. He knows her, _better than anyone_, but this isn't his life anymore.

OoO

It should be him…he should be driving over to her apartment to pick her up. But it's not; he gave up that right the moment he chose to walk away. He had his reasons, but right now all of them seem unimportant because…_it should be him_ and the fact that it's not makes his insides burn in envy, "Be careful, okay?"

"El, it's just an interview…besides Fin watches my back just fine"

A memory flashes and an honest smile spreads across his face, "Or is that your backside"

"I'm hanging up now"

"Talk to you later" he says chuckling, a wide smile spread across his face.

Kathy clears her throat behind him and he feels and odd sense of guilt as he pivots to meet her eyes, "You ready?" she asks a sadness to her tone, her blue eyes marred with a kind of tired that has nothing to do with sleep.

"Yeah, um, let's go"

Eli settles between them grabbing both their hands; the weathered tie that binds.

OoO

She misses him. For the months he was gone there had been a boulder on her chest and she found each breath more painful than the last.

Hell, if she was admitting things she had missed him in ways before Jenna; every night he walked out of the station and she went home alone.

Now, it's different, the way she misses him. There are spaces inside of her that were hollowed; an emptiness she had carried since the moment she took the breath of life. Joining the 1-6 had changed her life in more ways then she had realized because it was in a cocky, hot headed, smartass pair of blue eyes that she began to feel truly whole. Their relationship was confusing, a contradiction of sorts, and she was sure that it made no sense to anyone…but each other. It was wordless, limitless, and it meant more to her then she had ever cared to acknowledge; until he walked away. Then she had no choice to admit to herself what he meant to her…_everything._

Grabbing a cup of coffee for Fin and a tea for herself from the bodega across the street she watches as he pulls up to her curb in the dark gray sedan. It's still strange, it being anyone but Elliot behind the wheel but she's forcing herself to adjust.

"Morning" she says opening the door and handing him the coffee.

"You read my mind" he says with a smile.

She and Fin work well together; it's easy…they don't get too personal; they never rage at each other across the bullpen, there is no complexities, no blurred lines. It reminds her of that vibrant intensity of his that swallows her soul and how doing this job without him is like functioning without a vital organ.

OoO

"We should be back tomorrow evening, you sure you don't want to come?" she asks.

Her eyes are hopeful, he should say yes, but instead he shakes his head because he can't bear to think about being an hour away in Jersey, "Nah, you two go, have fun"

"Okay"

Swooping Eli in his arms he walks them back out to the car, "Have fun at your grandmas, okay? And listen to Mommy"

He nods as Elliot straps him in and closes the door. They stand facing each other, inches and miles from each other, "See you later"

A soft dainty hand comes to his chest and she looks up at him under a fan of lashes. It's foreign and familiar as he swallows the lump in his throat and leans into her. Their eyes search each other and he knows this shouldn't feel like betrayal, but it does, and so he simply swipes his lips across her forehead chastely, "See you later" he murmurs before swiftly pulling away from her touch.

The look of disappointment is evident and her shoulders sag slightly as she turns to enter the car and his gut reminds him that he can't live forever like this because he can't take much more of letting everyone down.

OoO

They sit in the car for a couple long moments after the interview both drained from the experience. The girl was sixteen, top of her class, vibrant and vivacious…until that night. It had been after a football game, in what was considered a good neighborhood. Now she trembled as she spoke, her father told them she wouldn't eat, she couldn't face going back to school, and she had isolated herself from everyone. There was something in the girl's eyes, a crystalline blue; that she connected with. They had caught the guy but now it was up to the DA's office to give her justice.

"You alright?" Fin questioned softly.

Sighing she looked out the window at the way the light flitted through the branches of the trees. She wasn't sure how to respond…she wasn't okay; and she would have to tell all of them eventually.

"Liv, you know you can talk to me, right?"

Turning to him she offered a tight lipped smile and fought back the tears that burned her throat, "I know" she started.

Fin had become a good friend in the past months; patient, understanding and supportive. She didn't want him to find out from Cragen or anyone else.

"Shit, this is serious?"

Closing her eyes she nodded wringing her hands, "Yeah, it's kinda serious"

OoO

He had thought about driving to her apartment, got into his car, drove halfway there, decided it was a bad idea and went back to his empty house and ordered Golden Dragon. Now he sat on his couch poking around in his chicken and broccoli missing her sitting next to him, ready to trade boxes.

Looking at his phone he shrugged and figured, _"What the hell" _the worst she could do was tell him to leave her the fuck alone…not like she hadn't uttered that before.

"You must be seriously bored" she answered dryly.

Chuckling he set his food down and leaned back, "Actually I was eating some Chinese and thinking how I missed picking from yours"

OoO

Narrowing her eyes she looked down at her own box of takeout, "How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That I was having Chinese"

A laugh poured out over the speaker, "Moo Shoo?" he teased.

"Chicken and broccoli?"

"We are predictable, aren't we?"

Letting her head relax against the couch cushion she felt the rigidity in her muscles ease, "Speak for yourself, Stabler"

The interview with Valerie coupled with the conversation with Fin had been physically and emotionally draining. This with him…it was easy_, almost too easy_ but there was tension plaguing the back of both their minds because they knew these moments were living on what could be borrowed time.

**A/N2: I didn't skip the Fin convo, it will be flashbacked in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and reviews are love. **


	8. Start Over

**A/N: Okay I can honestly say it begins to pick up pace, slightly, after this chapter. Thank you for sticking with me. There's a lot of story left to tell, it's a journey and I want to seriously say you all rock for coming on it with me. You reviews make my life! **

**Bestie, your constant support and encouragement mean so much to me as do your beta skills. **

**If it wasn't apparent, italics = flashbacks. **

**And so it continues…**

_I'll do whatever it takes  
>To turn this around<br>I know what's at stake  
>I know that I've let you down<br>And if you give me a chance  
>And give me a break<br>I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better_

_But remember the time I told you the way that I felt  
>That I'd be lost without you and never find myself<br>Let's hold onto each other above everything else  
>Start over, start over<em>

_(Whatever It Takes – Lifehouse)_

When she woke Sunday morning, her cell lie dead on the hardwood floor and she felt a flush of embarrassment that she must have fallen asleep on the phone with Elliot the night before. Their conversation had been superficial, the game had been on in the background but there had been something so soothing about having him on the other line. He always made her feel less alone; that was until he had left her. It was a festering wound inside of her and it reminded her of all the reasons she needed to push him away…_because if he chose to walk away again..._

She had spent her day off cleaning; dusting shelves that had been neglected for years, sweeping out from under the couch, three loads of laundry, throwing out all the molded food from her fridge, putting actual groceries in her kitchen.

_Preparing_…because she knew there were days where she might not be afforded the luxury of getting out of bed.

Tomorrow was the last day before her surgery; the day she would say it out loud to her team. Telling Fin had been hard enough.

"_Liv, you okay?"_

_Turning to look at him she let out a deep sigh. She could do this…this didn't make her any weaker; even if it felt like it was robbing her. His eyes were wide with concern, his full lips pulled into a light line and she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I'm going to be taking some time off" she managed to get out looking down at her clasped hands. _

_A breath escapes his lips, "Oh well you deserve to take some t-"_

"_Fin, it's not a vacation" she interrupts fighting the bile that rises in her throat, "I found a lump…its cancerous" she says ignoring the deafening silence from him, "They caught it early, they are positive, but the treatment is taxing"_

_He's silent, still looking at her, "Shit Liv…I don't know what to say"_

_Painting on a pained smile she turns to meet his eyes, "It's okay, I just wanted to give you a heads up"_

_His mouth flailed for a second but he composed himself rather swiftly, "If you need anything…I'm serious, anything"_

"_Thanks Fin"_

Her heels click clack on the concrete steps and a young officer grabs the door for her and tries to quell the wave of realization that smacks her in the face with the cold burst of air. So much of her life has been bound to this place and she doesn't even really know who she is without it.

OoO

He hadn't remembered falling asleep…not until he woke up at 3 in the morning with a stiff back and his cell phone still stuck between his shoulder and neck.

They had talked, for hours, about nothing really but the simple sound of her voice had given him a peace and the months of knots in his muscles finally began to unclench and release.

Being around her had always been easy_, yet hard_. He wondered how it was that someone could leave him on edge and ground him in the same breath but it was that paradox that fit them so perfectly. He pushed, she pulled, she gave, he took, and their rhythm played to a tune only in their heads.

Which meant, as much as he wanted to call her the next day, he didn't because he knew he had already pushed to the brink of what she could give right now. So he skipped mass, the guilt lessened by Kathy and Eli not waving goodbye to him from the porch, and he spent time doing things he had promised his wife he'd do months ago: So the loose stair was tightened, a fresh coat of paint on the garage, the lawn mowed because suddenly, for reasons he didn't allow himself to admit, he had rediscovered his will to get out of bed in the mornings.

OoO

"Cap" she said peaking her head into his office.

He offered a forlorn smile, "Um, come in" he said signaling her.

Taking a seat in front of him she clasped her hands in her lap, taking a long moment to look at them before she brought her gaze back to his, "Tomorrow is my surgery, I think I owe it to the team to let them know what's going on"

"Olivia, you don't have to…"

Shaking her head she set her jaw tightly, "I do, I talked to Fin already…I'd like to talk to Munch alone and then I think we should have a team briefing so everyone's on the same page. It's better to just do this now before the inevitable guessing game and questions begin"

His mouth opened but he shut it quickly and gave her a quick nod, "You have to re-interview the jeweler on Fifth about the Jacobs case, take Munch"

She got up with a quick curt nod and pivoted to walk out of the door, "Olivia"

When she turned she saw his eyes had softened, the years they had spent together apparent in his face, "You know, whatever you need, we're here for you"

For so long she had been accustomed to her loneliness, learned to depend on herself, to never let anyone all the way in. It was easier that way because the disappointment when they let you down would be dulled. But here, in this building, this was the only family she had ever really known and that's why she owed them honesty, even if she couldn't accept the hands they extended.

OoO

From the moment he wakes up the next morning; he wants to call her because when he hears her voice it's like the world has ceased crumbling around him and he can feel the ground under his feet again.

He doesn't call. He knows she's at the precinct, in her superwoman mode, so he gets Eli ready for preschool, buckles him in the car, watches them drive away and then pulls out his phone.

It makes him feel like a nervous teenager and he writes six text messages and erases them. He doesn't want to push her; he knows she needs time and space. But he aches to reach out, to hold her so tightly it chases away the fear that's boiling inside of him…because he scared as fuck if he doesn't grasp onto her she's going to slip away.

Finally he settles on something simple

"_Mets won, you owe me lunch"_

OoO

Her phone vibrates as she's walking out of Cragen's office and when she sees the message she can't help but feel a jolt of energy course through her bones.

"_If the Mets win you buy me lunch" _

_Rolling her eyes she sighed, flipped the channel to the game and propped her feet up on her coffee table, "Did I say I was rooting against the Mets?"_

"_You scared you're going to lose?"_

_His tone was challenging but teasing and she could imagine the cocky grin on his face, "This is going to cost you Stabler"_

_A chuckle came over the line, "I wouldn't expect different" _

He makes her feel stronger. A part of her hates it because she's more resilient than that. She withstood years of neglect and abuse on her own, as a child, and now as a grown woman she shouldn't have to depend on anyone to be her anchor.

Yet, he always has been. He's always kept her grounded, beckoned her home, and as much as she fights it…runs away, it's still there drawing her back in.

She can hear Munch's footsteps behind her, "You ready?" he asks.

Turning around she gives a quick nod before sending her response: _"I hope you like the dollar menu"_

OoO

"Hey"

He vacillates between the surges of happiness that tingle at his skin or the abject fear that courses through his veins. At the moment Maureen walks in from picking up Eli he's settled on the later and his hands tremble on the computer keys.

It took a half an hour of navigating Google for him to feel his heart in his throat. He would do anything to take this from her, he wished for it to be him instead, prayed harder than he ever had that this wouldn't rip her away from him.

Slowly he turns on the office chair meeting his oldest daughter's eyes, "Hey"

"Eli fell asleep in the car on the way home…I put him in his bed"

"Thank you"

There is a strained silence and her mouth flails slightly, arms crossed over her chest, "Mom told me about Olivia"

A breath hitches in his throat and he swallows hard averting his gaze to the hardwood floor, "Yeah"

She steps closer but he can't bring himself to meet her eyes and her hand falls onto his shoulder, "Dad, are you okay"

When he didn't speak she wrapped her arms around him setting her chin on his back, "She's gonna be okay, she is" she whispers to him softly.

_She has to be. _

OoO

The meeting with the jeweler had been a colossal waste of time and now she and Munch sat in the car. Her knuckles were white gripping the steering wheel and staring out at the snail's pace the cars crawled at.

"You're quitting?"

Leave it to Munch to break the silence.

Her neck snaps around and he's removed his sunglasses and is warily rubbing at his eyes, "No" she says harshly before taking a breath, "Why would you think I was quitting"

His eyebrow arches and he lets a silence pass without answering because they both know the answer to that. Swallowing the lump in her throat she looks away again, finding it incredibly hard to have his inquisitive gaze on her.

"I'm being forced to take time off" she admits.

"By the Cap?" Munch asked his voice sounding stern and a small smile uplifts the corner of her mouth at the protectiveness in his tone. They could piss each other off but they had been a team for so long.

Looking back she shakes her head, "No, not Cragen…I have…they found a lump, its cancerous"

It's so quiet she's sure that the world outside of the car has ceased to exist, "I have surgery tomorrow…and then the treatments start after…so I'll probably be relegated to the dreaded desk duty"

She hadn't noticed his hand on her shoulder, "Jesus Liv, I'm so sorry"

Fighting back the urge to cry she let out a deep sigh, "Me too"

OoO

Monday is Kathy's late night, and he's thankful for the quiet business that Eli brings because it helps to occupy his mind off the fear that is consuming him. He knows he has to get it together; he has to pull back from the brink of falling apart because that is what she needs most from him right now. She's been the quiet strength for him too many times, this time it's his turn…he can be the strong one.

OoO

"So, I'm going to be taking some time off for medical leave"

Munch and Fin already knew but Rollins and Amaro sit there in stunned silence. She didn't divulge the reasons but she was sure they had already connected the dots enough to know it was serious.

Cragen spoke after, "Munch is going back into rotation on the calls, he's a little rusty so be easy on him" he teased hoping to alleviate the obvious tension in the room, "Alright, so Munch and Rollins, you have a vic at Mercy, Fin and Amaro you have paperwork" he finished with a terse nod.

Offering a quick forced smile she tried to avoid the lingering glances of pity and turned to Cragen, "Cap"

"Go home"

"I'll be back-"

"Monday, I know"

"Thanks"

Turning away she gets to the door before she hears his voice again, "Olivia, please take care of yourself"

Her lips straighten into a tight line, "Okay"

OoO

When she makes it to her stoop, she can't help but imagine him there. It makes her think back to Oregon. The dreams she had there were the most vivid of her life and she'd wake up in a cold sweat searching for his eyes. It was the first time she really grasped the concept of missing someone to the point you physically ached…because her body was in Oregon but her heart; it resided somewhere else entirely.

And there was a part of her that had finally accepted that it always would.


	9. I Promise

**A/N: I said a little faster, right? Um, I promise after this initial part it really does begin to move faster.**

**Btw, this is set at the beginning of October. The timeline will play in more later. Thank you all for your reads and reviews, it really does mean a lot to me. **

**Bestie, ack, where would I be without you? Thank you for all your help.**

**Ashlepedia, my medical goddess, thank you for helping me to be less inaccurate, lol. **

_When you hear but you just don't listen  
>When you're looking but you just don't see<br>When you're thinking there's no rhyme or reason  
>Think of me<br>Think of me  
>When you're getting to the end of a hard day<br>And you're thinking it's a long way home  
>When you're thinking that you're just plain crazy<br>Because you're on your own  
>Think of me<br>I will find you, I promise  
>I will make you believe, oh<br>That I'm in this crazy love for the long haul  
>So think of me<br>Think of me_

_(Think of Me – Rosi Golan)_

"_That asshole is trying to get the confession thrown out; claiming police brutality, how hard did Amaro go at him?" Alex asked sitting down at the table in the restaurant. _

_Casey was out of town and she supposed that when she came back she'd have to explain the situation to her but Alex…it was different, Alex had been her friend for a long time. _

"_Not as hard as Elliot used to" she answered shrugging she took a sip of the wine, and tried to force her lips upward. _

"_Elliot?"_

_She realized her mistake as Alex's mouth flailed for a moment, her eyebrows knitting together. _

"_Yeah" she said skirting the issue._

_For months every time anyone would utter his name, she'd visibly freeze, paint on a pained smile and pretend that her heart wasn't shattering inside of her chest. So, in response, everyone just began to pretend like he never existed. _

"_So, I take it you invited me out for the scoop on the Marlow case?" Alex questioned arching an eyebrow but didn't broach the subject further._

_Looking down she fought the churning in her stomach and then looked back up. _

"_Actually, there's something I need to tell you" _

She unclasps the first necklace letting it fall to her palm, then the second, when she gets to his she pauses for a moment. The day she received it is imprinted in her brain, the grooves in the pendant emblazoned on her fingertips, the smooth medal resting on her skin right over her heart.

Semper Fi…forever faithful.

For months her mantra was that he meant the commitment they made to protect and serve. It was easier that way; it made her heart ache a bit less to think of him as simply a casualty of the job,_ just her ex-partner_. But the moments she admitted the truth she knew that his reaching out to her was about something more than what they did and even bigger than their partnership.

_Something_ she wasn't quite ready to face. Sliding the medallion off she sets it on her dresser and, for a moment, wishes she would have taken Alex up on her offer to accompany her to the hospital. But that would have meant admitting weakness, and she wasn't quite ready to give that to anyone else.

OoO

From the moment he wakes up, his equilibrium is off. He can't seem to find his balance and he wanders around the house aimlessly for two hours after his morning run. He had text her, no answer, and the lack of communication was beginning to make him antsy.

Twice he had walked out to the car planning on driving to the station but the thought of walking back through those doors made his chest constrict and he ended up on the couch, his head in his hands as he gasped for breath.

So he waited, he fought the dread that bubbled like acid in his veins, and he told himself that she was okay…she was just busy…and yet the way his skin tingled in anticipation had him teetering on the edge.

OoO

"_This sounds serious Alex responds as her eyebrows knit together as she slowly puts the menu back down on the table._

_Taking a deep breath she closes her eyes and fights back the torrent of tears that is stuck between her heart and her throat. _

"_It is" she starts looking down at the table linens and then back up, "I found a lump in my breast…its cancerous" _

_Alex sits there quietly for a moment before her fingers come to pull her glasses off her face her eyes closing for a moment. When they reopen they shimmer with moisture, "I don't know what to say, I.."_

"_I know" she says trying to paint a pained smile on her face and failing, "The doctor is positive" _

_She nods, swiping the few errant tears and placing her glasses back on, "You know if you need anything"_

"_I know" _

She assumed the beige walls were supposed to be soothing; instead she felt stifled, suffocated and the irrational part of her just wanted to strip the scratchy hospital gown off and go back to the station like this wasn't happening.

But it was, and as adept as she had become to running, it was time to start facing things head on…no matter how painful that may be.

"The surgery will only take about half an hour to forty minutes, after that you'll be a little out of it because of the anesthesia, you do have someone picking you up?" the doctor asked gently.

"Yeah, she'll be here"

"Okay good, do you have any questions?"

"I guess not"

As the anesthesiologist pushed the liquid into her IV she felt her eyelids heavy, fighting to stay open, and as they fluttered shut, crystalline blue eyes stared back at her.

OoO

By noon he's coming out of his skin, and he jabs the buttons on the phone with a number he knows by heart but hasn't called in months, "Detective Rollins"

He clicks the phone when it's not her and closes his eyes tightly…something's wrong, he doesn't know what but he's always been able to feel it. It's the connection he tried so hard to sever, and it may be slightly tattered and torn, but it's still alive, beating wildly inside of him like nothing he has ever known.

What the self imposed banishment had shown him was exactly what she was to him…_everything._

OoO

Her body felt heavy, limp, the light stinging her eyes as she tried her hardest to raise heavy lids. As they fell back closed she felt a sigh escape her lips, "Olivia, wake up"

The voice was distant, yet close, so familiar, "Elliot"

"Olivia"

"El…Elliot?" she whispers hoarsely trying to find his eyes in the midst of the blinding light.

"Olivia, this is Doctor Brady, you're coming out from under the anesthesia"

Everything inside of her is muddled, the fogginess clouding her mind, and all she really can focus on is that quiet strength of his that she is desperately clinging to. Her heart crashes wildly against her ribcage, the light burning at her retinas as she struggles to keep her eyes opens, her hands trembling, "Elliot..I need Elliot" she whispers ragged, "Please"

"Okay, okay, just calm down" the voice soothes, "I'll find him"

OoO

When his phone rings he physically jumps before pressing down harshly at the keypad to answer, "Stabler" he grinds out running a hand over his shorn head.

"Elliot Stabler, this is Doctor Brady over at…"

His heart is in his teeth, because he was a cop long enough to recognize the familiarity of the woman's tone and her words echo off his heart and shatter against the walls and he tries to find his bearings. His knees begin to quake in anticipation of the woman's next words, "You're the emergency contact for Olivia Benson?"

"Yes" he whispers the vibrato in his voice at a tremble.

"Her procedure went fine but it seems she's a little disoriented from the anesthesia and asking for you. She said there was someone picking her up after but she seemed pretty adamant about someone finding you"

The desperation in his gut is exhaled through his lungs, "I can be right there, okay, just tell her I'm on my way"

OoO

When her eyes begin to open again, her body is less rigid, the swirling fog beginning to slowly dissipate.

"Oh good you're awake" a brunette nurse said with a warm smile, "You had a bad reaction to the anesthesia"

Nodding she tried to sit up but found that her limbs still felt too heavy, "Here let me do that" the woman said helping to adjust the bed so that she was in a more upright position.

"Thank you"

"If you need anything, just click this button here…and we got a hold of your friend, they should be here shortly and we can get you released to go home"

She watched her walk out of the door and she closed her eyes fighting back the moisture that pooled into them and she mentally chastised herself over it. She was stronger than this; she could handle this on her own…and yet, inside of her, she longed for the smell of sandalwood wafting through the air and the touch of worn cotton enveloping her.

OoO

The doctor had said she asked for him and he feels humbled. He doesn't deserve anything from her; he never did…she was always too good to him so as he speeds across the city he prays for the strength to be good enough for her.

He's sure he's broken most of the traffic laws but he makes it there in record time, his shoes making harsh crunching sounds against the asphalt. It's unexpected as they almost crash into each other in the lobby, Cragen's eyes crinkling at the sight of him, "Elliot?"

His lungs burn, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he takes a moment to run his hand over his face, "Cap"

"What…what are you doing here?"

Looking down at the tiles he waits for a second, rubs his neck and looks back up, "I'm still the emergency contact, I guess she had a reaction to the anesthesia so they called me. Did _she ask you to pick her up?"_

It comes out more biting then intended because his skin prickles with envy…but he reminds himself that he is the reason she asked someone else…because months ago, it would have been him…it always should be him.

There has always been a certain possessive quality about their relationship and in this moment he feels mildly guilty for always reveling in being the man in her life because he is beginning to realize the selfishness of his actions. She had always meant much more to him than he was able to express, so he never said it, and instead just expected her to know. Leaving had been the worst mistake of his life, and it was why he had sent his Semper Fi medal to her; because he needed her to understand that he never meant to disappoint her. Now, he realized it was worse than disappointment because instead he reinforced that belief in her head that she wasn't worth sticking around for. He swears to himself and some deity that he's not sure is listening anymore that he will spend the rest of his life making that up to her.

The captain shakes his head, "Alex got called into an emergency hearing; she tried everything to get out of it, when she couldn't, she called me"

Nodding he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and blows out a breath, "If you don't mind"

Cragen's mouth opens and closes shut before a terse nod, "You sure that's a good idea?"

In that moment he realizes it wasn't just her he let down and he nods in the affirmative, "I'm here for her now, and I'm not going anywhere"

A small wry smile lifts the older man's lips and he lays a strong hand on his shoulder, "Welcome back Stabler"


	10. Guide Your Hand

**A/N: Sorry, I'm late with this, the muse was uncooperative. There is a conversation that is actually transcripts from the show so I obviously do not own that, lol. This chapter facilitates the move forward in the story. It was one of my favorites, so I hope you enjoy.**

**Bestie, you are so very necessary and appreciated. **

_Let me be  
>Your lighthouse<br>Let me guide your hand  
>Let me be your shelter<br>For you  
>For you I stand<em>

_When you feel  
>The dark inside you<br>And the wind and waves  
>Keep pushing you down<br>Feel the whole world  
>Pulling you around<em>

_(Lighthouse – Ernie Halter) _

There were moments she resented their connection; hated that invisible tether that bound them together so tightly that she wasn't sure where she ended and he began. Those times were entwined so deeply with the part of her that knew she wouldn't cut the cord even if she was able to because she had never felt complete before him.

It's how she can sense him there before his hand ever hits the metallic handle and an odd mix of relief and chagrin flood through her. There was a reason she hadn't asked him to pick her up from the hospital; why she was more comfortable with keeping him at arm's length. In part it was because she didn't want him to see her like this; weak…afraid…sick but it was more than that. The wound between them was beginning to heal, freshly scabbed but it was still there and the resentment that boiled inside of her was too afraid to let him close again…because it would be admitting to herself how much she needed him.

"You're not Alex"

OoO

He hated hospitals; the sterile walls, the placating monotones and the smell of sickness that seemed to waft through the air. The fact that it was her behind one of those doors made his stomach clench and twist. He'd known about her being sick for less than a week but it already felt like a lifetime of ache in his bones.

Sucking in a deep breath he pushes the door open. Her eyes, her chestnut colored hair splayed out across the pillow and his fingertips itch with the want to reach out to her; to feel the smooth satin of her skin under his calloused palm.

"You're not Alex" she tells him before her eyes open and meet his.

Squinting he shrugs and crosses his arms in front of him, "Afraid not"

"They called you?"

His eyebrows knit together in confusion and he stays at the head of her bed because he can feel the glacier that she's put up between them, "Alex got called into court…I'm still your emergency contact, the doctor said you asked for me"

OoO

Her breath hitches in her throat as his wide cerulean colored eyes stare at her from across the room filled with quiet concern and an anxiousness that no one else would be able to detect. She doesn't remember her mouth and heart betraying her mind but she doesn't doubt it either. In Oregon, she woke up with his name on her lips most mornings.

"_Hey, who's Elliot?"_

"_What?"_

"_You've been mumbling the name "Elliot" all night…"_

"_I didn't say anything else, did I?"_

"_No"_

"_You sure?"_

"_All I could make out was 'Elliot'. So spill, who is he?"_

"_Nobody"_

"_He doesn't sound like nobody. "Elliot… Elliot…"_

The memory stings at her brain and he's still staring at her, "Why didn't you tell me about the surgery"

_Because I didn't want you to see me like this, because I'm scared to start depending on you again, because I hate that I need you so much…_

None of it makes it from her throat to her lips and instead she shrugs as well as she can, "El, it was just easier this way"

His eyebrows raise and there is a hurt sadness that radiates from him as she watches his Adam's apple bob with words neither has been able to say aloud.

"You gonna at least let me take you home?"

Her eyes close gently and she can feel that pull to him, the urge to just let him take her home because there's something about having him there, breathing the same air, that makes her feel…less alone.

"I can wait for Alex"

She doesn't open her eyes but she can imagine the way his blue eyes deepen into a cobalt, his skin flushing as the frustrated sigh escapes his lips, "Liv"

"I'm okay"

"Bullshit"

Brown orbs snap open and they stare at each other, the wordless battle waging in the swirled toffees and ceruleans of their eyes, "Just…fine" she relents too tired to fight any longer.

OoO

She's silent on the trip home, her head resting gently against the back of the seat, her eyes closed. There's a burning in his chest, the boulder resting over his lungs stealing his air and he wants to place his hand over hers, entwine their fingers, and convince her that she didn't have to do this alone…that it was okay to be afraid because he's scared shitless.

He doesn't, because they don't do that; _even when they want to. _

When they arrive in front of her building she doesn't move to protest him following and he wishes she would because this sad resignation in her eyes stabs at the patched up wounds inside of him. It isn't until they come to the doorway that she turns to look at him, "Thank you"

_You can go now._

It's the words they don't say that speak the loudest and he knows it isn't the right time to pick a fight, he should do as she says but the need to see that fire in her eyes is too much to bear, "Not gonna invite me in?"

"Elliot"

"Stop pushing me away"

OoO

The words are like a blow to the chest and she can feel her fist clench until her nails are digging into her palm. She wants to hit him, wants to rage against him because she wants to fall into him and let him be her soft place to land.

It's the contradiction inside of her that pushes and pulls like a game of tug of war. She can feel the rope splintering, and when it breaks she's not quite sure on what side she will be. Sharply she turns away from him because that connection they share will betray anything she tries to force from her lips. Shoving the key in the door she pushes it in, almost violently. She can feel him on her heels, the door slamming softly in the distance and she just wants to be able to fucking breathe but when he's there looking at her like that…like the only person who she's ever let see all the way inside of her, she has trouble forcing oxygen into her lungs.

Gripping the counter she waits for a moment to turn to him. Crystalline blue eyes shimmer with concern and, for a moment, she almost wishes he didn't care. It would be easier to be alone, to not depend on anyone, to feel the numbness freeze the blood in her veins.

"I'm fine Elliot, thank you for coming, but I'm fine"

His nostrils flare in annoyance as he shakes his head, "No you're not"

Sighing she wraps her arms around herself. The pain killers have begun to wear off and her nerves are shot to hell. She feels exposed, sparking live wires looking to ignite.

"Excuse me"

"Liv, you've just had surgery, you're obviously not fine" he spits out.

_Spark_

"Screw you Elliot. I appreciate your concern, really, but you've been gone for months, you don't get to waltz back in here and pretend nothing has changed"

_Spark_

She watches as his fist ball up, the flush that creeps up his neck to his face, the vein in his forehead pulsating in frustration and it fuels her.

"So, you can leave now"

_Spark_

A hand comes to his face, and he rubs his jaw the way he does when he's frustrated and a scoff falls off his lips, "You aren't going to let me forget that, are you?"

There is a pained hurt in his tone, the weariness in his face and in a moment her insides are shards of glass piercing at her. She hates herself for wanting to hurt him, for wanting to make him feel what she has felt for months. It's not fair but they've never really known how to fight fair. They rage against each other, they rage together, a swift moving river that consumes them.

_Spark_

"What do you want from me? To act like it's magically better? That I didn't have to practically mourn you for months?"

_Ignite_

"I SAID I WAS SORRY"

"SORRY ISN'T ENOUGH"

The pain hits her in the arm first, like a sharp clean slice through muscle, and it begins to radiate through her chest as she feels her knees quake under her, "Ung" escapes her lips, a painful strangled moan as she grips the counter in order not to fall.

Her hands slip down the cool tile as the bottom half of her begins to crumple and she can hear his voice in the distance echo off the walls, "Liv!"

OoO

He hates himself a little more for being such an inconsiderate asshole. It hadn't been the right time to pick at the scab; he knows it. But for them, the repelling and drawing back together is as natural as breathing. The moment was surreal as he watched her go pale, those bright cappuccino colored eyes widened, shimmering in pain, and he watched as she slumped down, his arms barely catching her in time.

"El"

His knees are on the floor, his arms wound tightly around her, her head pressed against his heart, "I'm okay, I just"

She tries to move but his arm stay around her, carefully wrapped around her midsection, his other resting against her back, his hand steadying her neck as his chin rests atop her head, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't…"

_Have left you, ignored you, pushed you way._

"Have pushed, okay?" he finishes squeezing his eyes shut tightly before the tears can escape.

"I know"

OoO

His throat trembles against her temple and the physical pain in her chest has alleviated but the one in her soul, is freshly burst open, bleeding all over them.

"El"

"Shh, come on, let's just get you to bed, okay? You need to take a pain pill and rest"

There isn't any room to argue and she lets him pull her to her feet, her body still resting against his, the hard plans of him accommodating the melding soft curves of her own. They've always been so in sync, even now, after the fire had burn out, their ashes had remained embers slowly waiting to be sparked back to life.

She lets him pull the covers over her, dole out her medication, sit on the edge of her bed until the drowsiness settled in, and she pretended not to feel his calloused fingers sweeping tangled strands of hair off her face. They would never speak of the tears they both shed as she lie still enough for him to think she was asleep as the words poured from his lips.

"I know you don't need me…but I need you Liv. I need you to be okay…because as much as you think I walked away and never looked back…I didn't. You always mattered, you will always matter…more than you know"


	11. Untangle the Knots

**A/N: I suck and I'm so sorry it's been so long for an update. I got a little distracted, the muse went on sabbatical. **

**I'm a little rusty, so I hope you guys are still interested in this. **

_I'll be brave when you are frightened.  
>You'll be strong when I am weak in the knees.<br>I'll be calm when you have had enough of these rushing waves.  
>You'll be the oxygen I need.<em>

_We'll take turns to untangle the knots,  
>Though our hands may be tied,<br>It's all a part of the plot.  
>Cat's cradle etiquette, we oblige,<br>As we learn to enlace for the rest of our lives._

_(Tethered – Sleeping at Last)_

She hates the niceties, the way they tip toe around her with apologies in their eyes. She knows they don't mean any harm with their pitied stares and offered words of encouragement but if she hears one more, "You'll get through this" or, "You're a fighter" she's going to lose it.

Because, she's a realist and the truth is, this fight may be bigger than her…and she may not make it through it.

He's her refuge, she hates leaning on him, hates needing him, but it's as natural as breathing these days.

They never spoke of the night in her apartment; they just went back to the routine of Benson and Stabler, this time it meant random nights filled with cartoons of Chinese food and bottled beer. She felt guilty about taking him away from his family but he waved his hand, shrugged it off and the truth was she had come to depend on those moments where she wasn't Detective Benson, breast cancer patient.

Her text chimes and she can't help the warmth that spreads through her as she opens it.

_Be there in 10. _

OoO

His stomach clenches as he pulls up to the 1-6, she said she would meet him outside and they both know it's because she realizes he's not yet ready.

That's what he missed most about those months of self-imposed exile; having someone who, _just knew_. It was wordless, limitless and it broke open the valve to his heart he thought was closed off forever.

There is a part of him that is surprised that she gave in so easily when he insisted on accompanying her to her first chemo treatment. Another piece of him is scared because he knows that her acquiescing so easily meant that she wasn't as bulletproof about this as she wanted everyone to believe.

Seeing her fallible, scared, it was enough to bring him to his knees…but he couldn't do that now because she needed him to be the one to pick up the slack this time, to be the strength in her brittle places.

OoO

The weather is colder now, and she pulls the jacket tightly around her as she makes her way down to the car. In the pit of her stomach she can feel the churning. The doctor had explained everything the week before, in great detail so she would know what to expect, but it had done little to quell her usually steeled nerves.

He's wearing that easy smile, the heater cranked up, perpetually concerned with her inner temperature, the collection of his hoodies taking up a couple feet of space in her cramped closet.

"You didn't have"

A wave of the hand and he's pulling away, "I told you, I want to be here"

It's the way he says it, that steel resolve of his, those blue eyes cloudy with words that live only on their tongues, and she leans back and let's herself feel something other than dread.

OoO

While she's in that room with poison being pumped in her system he paces, wrings his hands, takes a brisk walk close enough to the door but turns around because he knows, for his own sanity, he needs to stay as close to her as possible.

He's hyper aware of everything in the moment…the tick of the clock, the squeak of the nurses shoes and when the door opens his eyes snap wide and he jumps out of his seat.

"Mr. Stabler, you can go in now if you'd like"

She's already sitting up, a paper bag in one hand, and when their eyes meet he feels something inside of him crack because the weariness in those normally bright orbs have nothing to do with sleep. He knows she needs strength for this fight, and when she doesn't have her own…_he will give her his. _

"Hey"

"Let's just go"

OoO

Her body aches, and she's not even sure it's the ravages of the poison that's flowing in her system or the fact that she hasn't slept right in six weeks. The car ride is silent, and she lets her head fall against the back of the seat as her body slumps slightly.

The next thing she remembers is his hand on her arm, "Liv, we're here"

They're parked in front of her building and she blinks rapidly trying to shake the cobwebs from her brain and nods at him unbuckling the belt. He's already outside of her door, opening it and she shoots him a narrowed eyed look, "I could have"

"Done it yourself, I know" he answers calmly with a hint of that cocky smirk on his face.

Rolling her eyes she moves past him, up the stoop, she doesn't even try to tell him she doesn't need him. He wouldn't listen anyway and the truth was, there was a part of her that did. When they come through the door she tosses her keys on the end table and he takes the bag of medicine from her.

"Rest"

"Elliot"

Their eyes meet and for a second they just stare at each other, it's always been a battle of wills, a meeting of minds and, it's the first time she's backed down so easily, "I have to take the anti-nausea pill in a couple of hours with food"

"I'll be here"

Her hand is already on the door knob and she shakes her head at his usual chest puffing, "I know"

OoO

It bothers him, how easily she gave up. He had been looking for more of a fight, some normalcy but instead she had simply had turned heel and given it. It wasn't like her and he didn't want to pick at a scabbed wound but he wasn't going to allow her to give up so easily.

Rolling the knots of out of his neck he pulls out his phone and dials. He purposely didn't call her cell phone, wasn't ready to answer any questions because for now he felt like this was their fight, and the invisible force field that surrounded them was the only way he knew how to take care of her.

"Hey Kath, I'm here, I'm probably going to be home late, I'll grab something to eat, kiss Eli for me" is all he leaves before hanging out.

Going to the fridge he sighs when he opens it and sees a half gallon of expired milk and some take out boxes. Grabbing a notepad he scribbles an explanation in case she wakes and heads out to the market.

OoO

It's not quite dark when she wakes up, the oranges of dusk flitting through the drapes. Her limbs feel like lead, and every movement is a chore. When she finally gets to sitting position she feels the churn in her stomach.

She barely makes it to the bathroom, her hand knocking over bottles from the counter before she's slumped over the toilet. She tries her best to keep quiet; she doesn't want him to hear…hates to think of him seeing her like this because the vulnerability betrays all self-preservation she has when it comes to him.

OoO

The door is barely closed behind him when he hears the sounds coming from the room, and when he hears the crashing of glass the groceries are strewn on the couch and his legs are swiftly moving under him.

He swears he can feel his heart shatter in his chest at the sight of her, curled on the bathroom floor, the sickness wafting over her, bottles that were on the vanity littering the cold tile. He knows if she could, she would protest, push him away, tell him to leave but he sinks down to his knees next to her, pulls her hair into his hands and places his hand on her back.

"El" she softly whimpers.

"I'm not leaving you" he whispers harshly, his hand beginning to rub soothing circles as she heaves.

He can feel the heat of her skin under her thin tank and it warms a frost that had plagued his bones. He had always felt that he needed her more than she needed him…but this time was his turn to do the heavy lifting and they would fight this together because if she didn't survive, he wouldn't either.


	12. Ignite Your Bones

**A/N: Please don't hate me, lol.**

_**Tears stream down on your face  
>I promise you I will learn from my mistakes<br>Tears stream down on your face  
>Lights will guide you home<br>And ignite your bones  
>And I will try to fix you<strong>_

_**Fix You - Coldplay**_

"Are you sure you don't want to come"

His answer garners a mere shake of the head and he sighs, "You're not going into work" he says not a question but a statement because he knows her, maybe better than he knows himself.

Round three is done and he can already see the ravages, the soft curves she's developed over the years looking leaner, her cheeks holding a uncharacteristic gauntness, her cappuccino colored eyes weary, the dark circles more pronounced, "No, she answers, "Cap says security is to turn me away if I show up" she finishes teasingly.

Chuckling he shakes his head and looks at her, wishing she would agree to joining he and the family for Thanksgiving, "Eli's going to be disappointed"

Her eyes narrow, "Unfair tactics Stabler" she chides.

Smirking he shrugs and then she lets out that sigh that cracks his ribs, "Honestly, I'm just not feeling up to it"

This is when she averts her eyes and stares at her clasped hands and it's eating him up inside to watch her think there is shame in being sick. Gently his hand reaches for hers, a tentative new comfort level having developed between them, "Hey" he starts, "Listen, you need to rest, that's not something to be ashamed of"

Their eyes meet and she pulls away gently, "El"

Shaking his head he keeps their gazes locked, "Remember when I got shot and you were lecturing me" he tells her in a mock stern voice, "Quid pro quo"

"Ass"

OoO

She hates leaning on him but these days it's as natural as breathing. Being cooped up makes her feel cagey but with his company, it's a tad more bearable, "Come on, I know you're hungry, cause I'm starving" he tells her pushing off the couch.

"El"

He's already rummaging through the kitchen, "Yeah I know, you can fend for yourself, humor me Benson"

Rolling her eyes she lets her head fall back against the cushion and she does something that she has only been able to do with him…_relax_.

When his hand is on her shoulder she's unsure of the amount of time that has elapsed but he's smiling with a TV tray, "Grilled cheese and soup" she murmurs, "You're a real classy guy"

Its memories like the one that simple phrase conjures that remind him of all the places they have been and all the ones they still were meant to see, together.

"This couch beats the sedan, besides the game is on"

Her answer to that is a wadded up napkin to the head and he can't help but to think that in those months of exile, torturing and separating his sadness strand by strand, he missed _this_.

OoO

The smell of the turkey is making his stomach turn and he goes outside, the air brisk, the leaves turned to the colors of autumn and he wants to call her, to see if she's okay but he doesn't want to do that to her, make her feel more helpless then she does. So, instead he broods and tries to focus on the family inside.

He can hear the screen door open and when he turns Maureen is walking towards him, a knowing gaze in her blue eyes, "How's Liv?

No small talk, straight to the point…that's his girl. He blows a warm breath into his hands and he shakes his head, "The chemo is really hard on her body but she's a fighter, I tried to get her to come but…"

Her hand comes to his shoulder, "How are you?"

"I'm fi-"

"No, how are you really?"

Turning to her, he shakes his head, fighting back the moisture, gritting his teeth. He doesn't do this, he's not going to break down in front of his kid again, "Scared" he admits thrusting his hands in his pockets.

"Foods, done, get in here so we can eat, I'm starving" Dickie yells from the porch and he nods, looking away, almost thankful for the momentary reprieve.

"We should go in" he tells her.

"Okay"

OoO

The first wave of nausea hits like a freight train and she tries to choke down one of the pills to help but she can't keep anything from coming back up. Somehow she manages to crawl into bed and she hates herself because her first thought is, _I wish he was here_.

She scolds herself…she's a strong, independent woman, she can handle this and she sure as hell isn't going to call him on Thanksgiving to come hold her hand while she pukes. Sleep comes fitfully and when she wakes up, it's on shaky legs but she climbs into the shower hoping for it to restore her.

When she gets out she grabs the hair drier and that's when she notices it. For days it had been a hearty number of strands, she had noticed in the shower, realized she was cleaning out her brush more often than usual but she kept telling herself that it was nothing.

The clump that came out as she ran the round brush through her hair couldn't be ignored, nor the clump that came after. Almost with twisted fascination she stood in front of the mirror and pulled, her hand full of mocha and caramel strands.

Shaking, she closed her eyes and felt the first warm tear on her cheek, this was more than her hair, it was a vivid reminder of the truth…the chemo might be killing the cancer but everything else was dying too.

OoO

"I wrapped up a plate…take it"

His eyes meet Kathy's, "Huh?"

"El, you've been preoccupied all night, I know you're worried. Drive over there and make sure she's okay"

He hates himself for it. For her kind, understanding eyes…because she's right and he's been feeling like crawling out of his skin all night with this lingering feeling that something wasn't quite right. Nodding he offers a tight lipped smile, "Thanks"

She just gives a sad resigned shrug before walking out of the kitchen, "Eli, come on, time for bed" he hears her call out.

Grabbing the plate, he gets his keys, says bye to the rest of the kids, knowing he doesn't have to explain where he was going and drives across town. Her apartment is dark, and that's the first thing that makes his gut clench, the second is that she doesn't answer the door by the third knock, forcing him to use his key.

It's when he finds her that breaks his heart. She's sitting on the bathroom floor, illuminated by the mirrored light, her hand fisted, tear tracks down her cheeks, "Liv" he whispers crouching down slowly, like he's afraid to touch her…to hurt her further.

She turns to him, puddles still in her eyes and she holds out her hand, "My hair"

A sob dies in his chest and he wants to rage, he wants to punch walls and bust glass, he wants to hurt himself in some way to try and quell the throb of pain that radiates in his bones, "Liv"

His arms wrap around her and she pushes at him, "Stop" she says struggling as he holds her tighter, "Don't tell me it's going to be okay, it's not going to be okay" she sobs, the tears beginning to fall again, mixing with the ones he's unable to hold back, staining and cleansing each other.

When she stops struggling he holds her, she doesn't wrap her arms around him back but his chin rests atop her head and she lets him because she's tired of feeling empty, alone and she needs him. She hates herself a little for it…_but she needs him_.

OoO

He pulls away and she looks up at him, his eyes rimmed in red, tears still wetting his face and she swallows hard, "I need you to do something for me" she whispers unsure of her words.

"Anything"

"Shave my head for me"

"Liv" he says shaking his head, "I…"

Tugging her lip between her teeth she looks down at the strands of hair still clasped in her hand, "You can do it for me, or I can go to the barbershop down the street, you pick"

It's the enormity of what she's asking that takes his breath away…it's probably the most intimate moment they've shared, two broken people on the bathroom floor, their tears on each other's skin, their hearts in their hands.

"I'd give you a kidney"

That elicits a small forlorn smile from her, "Not if I gave you mine first"

Nodding he licks his lips, "You know I'd do anything for you" he whispers haggardly.

Her hand reaches out to him this time, resting on his scarred knuckles, "We're partners, for better or worse" she tells him forcing a smile, trying to be strong again for him and it's what always has taken his breath away…the ability to put everyone else back together when she's shattering inside.

In his mind he finishes it, "In sickness and in health…_til death do us part_"


	13. Through It All

**A/N: My hiatus' suck, and I'm sorry. I do hope you continue on this journey with me. **

_When I see your smile  
>Tears roll down my face I can't replace<br>And now that I'm strong I have figured out  
>How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul<br>And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one_

_I will never let you fall (let you fall)  
>I'll stand up with you forever<br>I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)_

_(Your Guardian Angel – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)_

He splits his knuckles punching the side of the garage, still wet with dew the morning cold stinging his exposed skin. Plaster sticks in his open wounds, and her hair is still caught in the folds of his clothes, lingering on him, reminding him of things he can't allow himself to think.

"_You didn't have to come back tonight" is all she says when she opens the door at 2am. _

_Shrugging he walks in, dropping his jacket on the couch. She pulls a chair into the kitchen and he begins, sucking in a breath as the blades slide over her head, long strands of hair falling at their feet. _

_She doesn't speak; instead stays stoic, tears pooled in those brown orbs, caramels and chocolates, pupils dark and wide as the sky outside. He hadn't explained to Kathy, she had already been asleep when he drove back for the clippers, the night cold, his lungs struggling to take in the frigid air. _

_When it's done she gets up, doesn't look at him and goes to the restroom. He wants to tell her she's beautiful, still beautiful, she always has been….no matter the length of her hair. __He doesn't.__ He packs up the stuff and he leaves because he knows her…and he knows she needs time to process it. _

It's on the BQE that it hits him, like a ton of bricks falling on his chest and he contemplates pulling to the side of the road because he can't fucking breathe. He should have realized it long ago but he was so goddamn happy that she let him back in that he let himself be blinded to the reason why.

For a moment he almost turns back, bangs on her door, starts yelling and punching things because she can't give up, it's not fair, she can't decide that she's going to let him in because she's anticipating the end.

There is no end, there can't be…_not for her…not for them, not yet._

OoO

Her hand slides over her shorn head, fingertips tingling at the skin where the rough pads of his fingers slipped over just hours ago.

_The buzzing sounds fill her ears as the strands fall down her body. She can feel him, his rough sandpaper hands as gentle as satin as they move across her skin. Her hair falls around them both, sticking to clothes, making her skin tingle and itch. _

_She doesn't want him to see her like this but the truth is he is the only one she can let see her like this; broken, vulnerable, with the reminder of her sickness surrounding them like a hurricane. He is the closest she's ever let someone in; the wall she had carefully constructed around herself dismantled brick by brick in those cobalt eyes and scarred knuckles. _

_When it's done, she doesn't speak, they don't need words, and she knows he will go and as much as she wants him to stay, she would never let the words tumble from her lips. _

As dawn begins to break over the city, she lets the exhaustion overwhelm her and slips in between the sheets, the chill in her bones that no amount of heat can warm.

OoO

It's at 7am in the freezing cold, his knuckles bleeding that he steadies his resolve. She may have given up but he sure as hell hasn't and if she needs to be reminded how strong she is…how strong they are together, he's going to give it to her.

OoO

The buzzing sound wakes her up and she's sure it must be midafternoon but the clock reads 11:00 and she hits the answer button, "Hello"

"Good morning"

"Why are you awake?"

He chuckles, and she wants to throw the phone across the room and push her pillow over her head.

That's when she remembers, and runs her hand over the stubble and sighs, "Actually I was in the neighborhood, I wanted you to join me for lunch"

"El"

"Eli said he wants to see you"

She stifles back the curse when he hands the boy the phone, "Hi Livia, you didn't come to Thanksgiving, daddy told me you weren't feeling well so Lizzie helped me make you a card and daddy said if you wanted, you could come to lunch and have pizza with us"

It's almost as if she can feel her heart swell in her chest at the way he rambles, so innocent, without a care in the world. Sighing she looks in the mirror, "Yeah Eli, I'd be happy to come have pizza with you"

"Yay" he says and she hears the phone shuffled back into Elliot's hands. His voice comes next, "We'll be there in forty five"

"I thought you said you were in the neigh-"

"See you then"

After he clicks she groans, and yet she feels the corners of her lips tugging upwards, because she knows that they will bend each other to the brink over and over, two raging storms that continually battle against each other but once they join together, they are unbreakable.

OoO

He can't help but stare as she walks down. The scarf is tied around her head, her cappuccino colored eyes seeming larger and more pronounced with the gauntness that haunts her face. Her step is light, her shoulders sagged, and he knows most other people wouldn't notice it but he's always found some satisfaction in watching her…_knowing her._

"This was unfair tactics Stabler" is what she shoots out as she climbs in the passenger seat and then turns back smiling in a way that clutches his heart and squeezes tightly, "Hey Eli"

"Hi Livia, here's the card I made you"

The drive to the pizza place is laden with Eli's idle chit chat, and he's lost in stealing glances at the way her eyes sparkle at his son, how she smiles easier, little uncharacteristic chuckles falling from her lips. He wants to drink her in, to memorize her in this moment, where for the briefest of seconds everything about their separation and her illness were washed away.

OoO

She hates when he does that, stares at her like he can read her better than the sports section of the Sunday paper, "What" she snaps, her peripheral vision locked on where Eli stands banging on an arcade machine.

"Nothin"

When she turns, he has this sad smile on his face, a breath caught in his throat, "I'm okay" she snaps out, wanting him to stop looking at her like that, stop _knowing her. _

"Never said you weren't" he says taking a sip of soda and raising his eyebrow over the glass.

Her eyes narrow and she turns away, needing to break that moment, the tension of all the things they've left unsaid hanging in the air like dirty laundry.

OoO

He watches her, every movement of her eyes, the way she's played with the wrapper of her straw the entire time, barely touched the pizza in front of her, and he knows that this is it…this is his time; to show her how strong she is.

And how strong they are _together_ because the world without Olivia Benson is not world he's prepared to survive.


	14. I'll Pick Up the Pieces

**A/N: It's been 5ever and I'm so sorry for that, life and such. This chapter is kind of transitional. It's knowing people are still interested that keeps me going so thank you for all your support. **

_You're losing hope in little memories every day  
>The red hairs on the floor are being swept away<br>Well I can't fix what's broken but I'll hold the pieces in place  
>Just let me put my loving arms around you<em>

_And let me comfort you  
>Comfort you<em>

_(Comfort You – Erick Baker)_

"Higher Livia Higher!"

Wednesday is chemo, Thursday is usually spent on the bathroom floor, but Friday's, Friday's are the day that Elliot insists on dragging her out to the park with Eli, _"Come on, it's gonna be too cold soon, and look at how happy he is when you come"_ he had cajoled.

His blue eyes dancing with mischief remind her so much of his father that it makes her heart clench, "Alright kiddo, alright" she tells him pushing him higher, faster.

She looks over to where he sits on the bench, his smile is wide, beaming, and those months apart seem like light years before.

OoO

Friday's are his favorite day. Wednesdays are spent at the hospital, Thursday's he spends at home, phone on high right next to him…_just in case_. It's the call he dreads most because the thought of her getting so sick that she'd actually call him, it scares him shitless.

He watches them, little blonde ringlets bobbing in the crisp winter air and her eyes are lit back up, the color of warm hot chocolate and he feels a warmth spread through him…and it's a happiness he told himself he didn't deserve to feel anymore, but he's going to hold onto it with both hands this time.

OoO

"How's Olivia?"

Her eyes are soft and blue, and for a moment in the dull glow of the kitchen light, he remembers that girl from long ago that he fell in love with. He smiles from there mere mention of her name, "She's…she's a fighter, ya know?" and it's all he can really get out before there is a lump in his throat because talking about her sick makes it too real.

She walks towards him, squeezes his arm, "She's gonna be fine…she's strong, _and she has you_"

It's the way she lingers on the last part that makes his jaw clench, like she's resigned to the fact…and a part of him wants to explain it away with, _"She's my partner"_ but that excuse isn't even valid anymore and, _"She's my friend"_ trivializes the invisible tether that binds them together. So he stays silent, watches her walk up the stairs, and hates himself a little more because everything is broken and he's powerless to fix it.

OoO

"Are you sure about this"

Nodding she signs the paper with a terse smile at the doctor. The woman reaches out her hand, "Olivia, you're strong, your body is reacting to the chemo well, there's no reason to think"

But it all falls on deaf ears. She's a master of the preparation, the art of expecting the worse so that you can keep from completely shattering and she can feel her cells dying, the disease and the poison she's injecting into her system slowly draining her. So, she accepts what she sees as the inevitable and she's never been scared of death before, in her line of work, that wasn't a luxury you could afford. She won't lie to herself and say she's not afraid of leaving him because she knows him. And she knows that he will blame himself, like he wasn't strong enough to save her…even if they both know that there is nothing he could have done to protect her this time.

OoO

"Oh god Dad no, what are you thinking" Kathleen admonishes grabbing the fabric from his hand, "Olivia wouldn't be caught dead in this"

Her eyes widen and her hand cover her mouth, "Oh shit, I didn't" she whispers tugging her pink lip between her teeth.

His stomach turns and he forces a smile, "So, no? I thought it was nice" he says flippantly, trying to ignore the queasiness.

She shakes her head, turns, "No, that looks like grandma's old drab curtains" she explains, "You want something pretty, feminine, but not too feminine" she explains, "Nothing bright and garish_, Olivia is more a classic beauty"_

He has no idea what she's yammering on about, but that part resonates with him, and he smiles thinking of the way her smile spreads slowly across her face, her eyes sparkling, when for a moment she forgets all the shit they carry around with them, just letting herself feel happy.

"This one is perfect!"

When he turns, she's holding this piece of fabric in her hand and he's never been one for fashion, but when he pictures it on her, he feels a warmth spread through his chilled bones.

OoO

"You hungry? Want to grab something to eat?"

He asks because he knows in a couple hours she won't even be able to move from the bed, "If I say no, you're going to force me anyway, so" she chides.

Laughing they walk down the hospital corridor when a young man steps in front of them, "Detective Benson"

His back stiffens and he prepares to step in front of her protectively when her arm comes up and smacks his chest, "Down killer" she mutters and then looks at the kid, "Hey, Darren right, Valerie's boyfriend?"

"Yes ma'am, uh, I'm here cause of Valerie, she uh, she, she took some pills and…she's kinda in a bad place" he rambles shuffling in his sneakers.

There are tears shining in the boys eyes and Elliot wants to reach out and grab his shoulder because he's just a kid and although he has no idea what he's been through but that haunted look in his eyes reminds him of his own son and all the things he wanted to shield him from.

"Is she okay?" Olivia asks and there's panic in her voice and his hand automatically reaches out to grasp her shaking hand, finding an odd sense of comfort when she squeezes his back tightly.

"Yeah, uh, you know" he says nervously, "She had mentioned how talking to you made her feel better…and I just, maybe, you could, talk, I don't know"

"What room?"

She turns to him, "I'll explain later, you can go, I can get a cab"

Their hands are still clasped and her furrows his brow and shakes his head, "I'll sit out here with the kid and wait, you take care of it" he tells her and she nods and releases his hand reluctantly.

It's why they work so well together, because they don't need explanations or more than one look to understand.

OoO

Tears are wetting her cheeks when she walks out, the exhaustion from the chemo and the fragile broken girl flanked by hospital sheets has drained her completely. She hears his voice as she rounds the corner.

"You gotta be strong for her. Because right now she needs you to pick up the slack" he tells him, "You know, make sure she knows how much you're there for her, need her here. It's not going to be easy but that's what you do when you love someone"

There's a well of emotion that builds in her gut and starts making its way up to her throat, and he holds her breath, leans against the cool tile of the wall, and just listens to him, "She's gonna push you away, and you push back that much harder because when she pushes, that's when she needs you the most"

The boy listens, nodding, tears wetting his tattered jeans, "I just love her so much and I don't know how to help her"

"All you can do, is be there, make sure she knows she's not alone"

It's when he utters those words that the tear makes life on her cheek and dies on her lips.

OoO

The walk to the car is quiet, both of them lost in their own heads, and he replays the words he told the kid in the waiting room because somewhere in there the line of who he was talking about was so blurred that all he could see was Olivia's eyes the moment she told him she was sick.

When they pull up to the house, she sits there and breathes in deeply, "You okay?" he asks gently, knowing the way they both can so easily get lost in their own heads.

In an instant, the world ceases to exist, "I signed a DNR at the hospital, you have to swear to me you won't fight it"


	15. Save Each Other

**A/N: I updated quickly! And sorry if you hate me after reading this, thank you for all your wonderful feedback, it seriously has made me never want to give up on this story. You all are wonderful. **

_Ooh the reason I hold on  
>Ooh cause I need this hole gone<br>Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving  
>Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving<em>

_(Stay – Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko)_

His throat goes dry, his mouth parched, knuckles white as he grips the steering wheel and he has to remind himself to fucking breathe. It takes a few long seconds for him to even force himself to look at her and when he does, she's staring off in the distance, tears pooled in her eyes.

He licks his lips and tries to compose himself but all he manages is, "How can you ask me that?" tumbling off his lips, painfully ripped from his throat and he sits there after he says it, in stunned silence.

She turns slowly, a solitary tear falling down her cheek, "El" and it's no longer a name but a plead, a beg and he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and shakes his head.

"How can you ask me that?" he whispers again because he can't quite find the words to say, _"Don't you know what you are to me, don't you know I can't fucking lose you, how can you look at me like that and ask me to give up on you"_

The lump in her throat is visible and she chokes it down, pursing her lips and averting his gaze, closing her eyes, her dark lashes resting on her tanned cheeks, "Do you think this is easy for me?" she chokes out.

Shutting his eyes tightly, his head drops and he blows out an air and he opens his eyes, blinking away the errant tears that he tried so desperately to mask and then he looks at her, really looks at her, their eyes locked, "You…_I can't lose you_"

OoO

It's the way he says it, like he's been gutted that takes her breath away, and she gets lost in the blue swirls in his eyes and her hand is on the door handle because she can't handle him looking at her like that. But she stays, locked in place, "El"

"No god damn it, you don't think I figured it out" he growls more intensely sad than angry and it cuts her in a way that makes her almost wish he was screaming at her, "You don't think I know what you're doing Olivia"

Steadying her gaze, she swallows the sob in her throat and looks at him, "And what is that Elliot, huh? You got it all figured out, what exactly am I doing, asking you to obey my last wishes, I'm so sorry for troubling you with that" she says the words like acid spitting off her tongue because it's easier to do it this way, to ignore that haunted look in his eyes that takes her back to a bench when all they had left was each other.

Slowly, he turns in his seat, facing her, completely open, vulnerable, his heart spilling onto her lap as he begins, "Don't you know what you are to me?" and it's the way it falls from his tongue, a ragged whisper torn from his core that begins to crack her into pieces.

OoO

"El"

All the fight is gone from her voice, and she tugs her lip between her teeth and then blows out a breath of air as he continues licking his lips, his hands sliding to his jeans, gripping them tightly in his fists, "You can't give up on me Liv" he starts out, "Because I know that's what you're doing. At first I was so fucking elated you let me back in…until I realize why you were doing it, and you can't fucking give up on me"

Tears openly run down his cheeks now, and he stares straight out at the flickering streetlamps and the busy Manhattan streets, hoping he can outrun their demons by himself.

"El" she breathes out and then like second wind she spits the next words, "I can't do this with you right now" and then her hand is hitting the door and she's practically running up the stairs into her building.

His palms are flat when they come to slap against the steering wheel, hard enough that he knows they'll ache later but not enough to distract him from the searing pain in his chest, the way his lungs feel like they're toppling over each other and cutting off his will to breathe. He knows he shouldn't, that she needs to avoid the stress, but his hand is on the door, and his rough footsteps on the hardwood floor before he can even think of the consequences.

OoO

She swings open the door before she ever hears his knock, before he's even on her landing, his blue eyes stormy, still filled with unshed emotion, "Liv" he gets out breathless, winded and she's swinging the door open because if he's looking for a fight, she's ready to give him one.

The door slams harder than she intended and he turns around to look at her, "What? You want to talk about your little epiphany?" she asks, "Huh, then talk, because you want to think I've given up. No, I'm being realistic, there is a chance I might die, and oh I'm sorry that upsets the great Elliot Stabler"

They both know the exact wounds to inflict, how to tear open the thinly covered scars and make each other bleed until there's nothing left but battle wounds.

"Stop, fucking stop" he practically growls, "You don't think I know all that? Huh, you don't think I've read every fucking article, laid awake at night thinking about the odds, because if you don't, you're wrong"

His eyes pierce into her, and it hurts, the burning ache in her bones when he's staring at her like he's looking at the ugliest parts of her and sticking around, "So what? I'm your charity case, poor Olivia, doesn't have any family, no one to take care of her, boo fucking hoo"

It's then he steps closer to her, close enough that there torsos almost touch and he grabs her arms, sinks his fingers into her and jostles her slightly, her cappuccino eyes mirroring the same pissed off brokenness that live in his, "Don't you ever say that. You don't have family Liv, you are my fucking family, don't you know that?"

"Then why'd you leave?"

It's spit out before she can think of what she's saying, and she's crying now, the words like choking sobs and she wrenches herself away from him and he's left there, shaking hands, his gut twisted and he prayers to a god he's not sure is listening anymore.

OoO

He can hear her in the bathroom and he goes to the door, slides down it, until he's sitting on the hardwood, "I used to drive by the station every Wednesday. I told myself it was because the shrink they wanted me to see was close but I only went to that asshole once. The rest of the time I was driving by, because I couldn't stand not seeing you and I kept hoping...I'd turn on the news every night, praying that I wouldn't hear any news about the one six because if something happened to you, and I wasn't there. That night Cragen showed up at my house, I almost lost my shit, because if he would have told me. Fucking god Liv, I left because I was a fucking mess, and I'm sorry because it was the wrong thing to do"

The little soft sobs from behind the door make his fists ball up at his sides and he closes his eyes, feeling the stinging of tears at the backs of his eyelids and he rests the back of his head up against the door, "I'm not here out of some fucking need for redemption or forgiveness. I'm here because I should have been from the beginning, I should have never left you. I'll go if you want, but I'm not giving up on you Liv, because I know you wouldn't give up on me"

Swallowing hard, he prepares himself to get up, to push up and give her the space she may need and then the ragged whisper comes through the door, "Stay"

And neither makes a move but they sit there, their breathing in sync and they know they're in this together, the fight of their life.


	16. Tethered

**A/N: Sometimes, all it takes is one night, to change everything. **

_No one else  
>Will help us to get through<br>So by ourselves  
>We'll know just what to do<em>

_You and I  
>Will share all that we know<br>So close your eyes  
>And just let yourself go<em>

_We are connected,  
>We'll never be alone<br>We walk together,  
>Forever down that road<em>

_(Connected – Hoobastank)_

Both of them realized that night how strong that invisible tether that bound them together was. How it could twist and fray, pulled to the nearness of snapping, but it would never break. They were in this together…for better, for worse, till death do them part.

"You okay?"

It was five in the morning, the light just barely starting to peak through the trees when he had finally made it home. He hadn't remembered much but the hours locked outside the door, and then her coming out and crawling into bed. They didn't speak any more words, her, "stay" saying enough for both of them from the night, remnants of their words bled out all over her apartment.

He had watched her chest rise and fall for hours, and he's sure if she wouldn't have been emotionally and physically gutted, she would have informed him exactly where he could shove his care and concern. He's glad she didn't because he needed to make sure she was okay. He had finally left, knowing Eli would be up at 6:00am and looking for him.

Kathy had been in the kitchen next to the coffee pot, her blue eyes tired, weary, her small mouth knit in a straight line, "You okay?"

The deep sigh came from his belly and he sucked back in the air, afraid to let any emotion out, the churning in his stomach reminding him of how not okay he was. Instead, he nods, "Yeah, long night" he says without any further explanation.

They stare at each other for a couple long moments and she nods, resigned, knowing that she's not getting any more than that, slowly admitting to herself what she's known for longer than he has, "I'm going to jump in the shower, if Eli gets up, tell him no cartoons until cereal"

Smirking he nods and she walks by him, pausing at the door before she turns back, her mouth opening to say something but having it close before she does…knowing those words don't mean the same thing to them anymore.

OoO

Her body hurts and she knows it's not just from the chemo. She knows it has a lot to do with having her chest burst wide open the night before, her whole hand revealed.

It had become too much to bear, the trying to be strong, the pretending she wasn't afraid to die because she is. Sure, the job had come with its risks, and before this moment, she had compartmentalized it in her head as a possible fate she could meet. Now, it didn't seem okay to just accept that. Suddenly she was filled with this incredible need to overcome, to see what was on the other side of this.

_For her…for them. _

Because on a dark winter's night, their relationship had been irrevocably changed and she knew there was no going back to where they were before. What it meant, she had no idea, but she knew that they were intricately bound to each other in ways neither had been able to admit and it meant there was no more walking away, for either of them.

The alarm chimes at 8:00, and instead of it being the call for work, it's the alert that it's time to take the anti-nausea pill. Forcing herself from bed, she gets up and looks towards the bathroom door. If she closes her eyes, she can picture him sitting there, for over an hour, neither of them speaking, but he didn't go. He stayed.

_Just like she had asked him to. _

That, in itself, was humbling, because in those strong cobalt eyes…she had seen a glimpse of the broken man, knowing they were weak in the same places, but that when they needed to be, they could be each other's stronghold.

Closing her eyes, she swallows the pill, stronger now that she knows he's fighting this battle with her.

OoO

His text chimes when he's already in Manhattan, "Got stuck at the precinct. Still about twenty minutes of paperwork, I can just take a cab and meet you there"

Licking his lips, he sighs, slaps the steering wheel slightly. He knows that she's doing it because she doesn't think he's ready to go back there. She's right, if he's admitting things but he also knows it's time. It's a part of her, of them, and he has to make peace with it, sooner or later.

"Nah, I'll swing by and pick you up there" he texts back.

OoO

When her phone vibrates she quirks her eyebrows and sucks in a breath. The truth is, as unsure if he's ready, she's not positive she's ready either. There are so many unspoken things that cling to the walls, the ink splat desk that she still considers his even though another man resides in his place . She knows arguing is futile and she texts back, "Okay"

She's on edge, trying to finish the paperwork, waiting to see if he'll just text that he's out front. She knows he won't, she knows this is him facing his demon, and she's going to be right next to him as he does.

The elevator dings and she looks up to meet his eyes, and she lets her lips curve upwards and he nods before stepping off.

"Well isn't this is a sight for sore eyes, Stabler, where the fuck have you been" Fin announces happily, offering a smiling and coming towards him.

Amaro and Rollins pause, look at each other and then over at the man that's standing in the entry way, staring at her.

He shakes Fin's hand, his other hand rubbing the back of his neck the way he does when he's nervous, and his eyes still look to her. She stands up, walks towards him, taps the cuff of his jacket, "Rollins, Amaro, this is my…this is, Elliot Stabler" she finally manages to get out.

OoO

_My partner. _

It's the words that don't come out that cut him the deepest but he forces out his hand to the younger man he knows is her partner now and grits his teeth, "Nice to meet you"

"You too"

The blond woman juts her hand out, "Heard a lot about you" she says in a cheery slight southern drawl.

"Hope all good" he says wiggling his brows and looking back to Olivia.

She shrugs, "I only tell the truth" she answers with a smirk and he smiles, his heart still in his throat, this place a haunted memory that makes his entire body ache.

The captain's door opens and he turns, and he feels her hand on his bicep, the touch so much more calming than he would like to care to admit. The older man looks at him, nods, "Elliot, welcome back" he says.

He knows it's not a welcome home but it's a demon he would have never been able to exorcise…if not for her, standing behind him, keeping him upright.

OoO

They're in the car before either speaks and she looks at him, slides her hand over the console and lets her fingers barely graze his scarred knuckles.

He turns to her and his eyes are cloudy, swirled in shades of blue, moisture making them shimmer like stars and he bites his lip and then looks back at the road, and she knows he doesn't have to say it…because she feels it too.


	17. When You Close Your Eyes

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. Thank you for sticking with me, if it wasn't for all your wonderful words, I probably would have given up. **

_**Well you see her when you fall asleep  
>But never to touch and never to keep<br>'Cause you loved her too much  
>And you dived too deep<strong>_

_**Well you only need the light when it's burning low  
>Only miss the sun when it starts to snow<br>Only know you love her when you let her go**_

_**(Let Her Go – Passenger)**_

"Gin"

"Oh fuck off" she says tossing her cards at him, and he laughs, the kind of laugh that he hasn't felt in a while that starts in his gut and tumbles from his lips.

He smirks at her, leaning in to scoop up the cards, "Sore loser" he teases.

She smacks the cards out of his hand and that just makes him smile wider, "Come on, on more game"

"No" she tells him, "I'm just not…"

For a moment he thinks to cajole her, tease until she relents but he sees the bags under her eyes and it rips open his chest because for a moment…for a moment he almost forgot the fight they were in for. He nods, "You should get to bed and I should get home" he says even though he doesn't want to walk out that door.

No, what he really wants to do are things he doesn't let himself think about…except when he does, and its night time and he wishes he was lying next to her, holding her, making sure she was still breathing because he's scared every moment she's not with him.

"Get out of here El, I'm fine" she tells him with a wave of her hand.

OoO

It's not necessarily a lie. Fine is something she's used to. Neither good nor bad, just kind of there, waiting on the precipice of both utter failure and destruction…or the opposite, which she doesn't let herself entertain because there are fantasies she's not okay with having.

Because he's married with a gaggle of kids and she's leaning on him too much anyway. But those nights, when she's lying in bed alone, watching that flickering street light, lost in the sound of car tires crunching gravel, she wonders how his arms feel or the warmth of his breath on her neck.

Mostly she tells herself its normal, she's lonely, he's been her rock…and she finds she's gotten adept at lying to herself.

OoO

He shows up at the station because, this is their thing now, and each time he goes through those doors, one of those splinters stops ripping at his insides. She's not at her desk and Rollins catches his eye and smiles, "She's in with the cap, she should be out any time now" she says nicely.

Amaro's more apprehensive and he gets it because he's not too keen on the man yet either. Mostly it's jealousy because he thinks of someone else watching her back and it makes his skin crawl because…it should be him. He says it a lot, to himself, repeats it as his mantra on those mornings that he hates himself the most thinking of all those months they lost out on.

"The prodigal son returns"

Smirking, he tilts his head sheepishly and pivots on his ankle to meet a crinkled stare, "I didn't believe Fin when he told me" Munch says taking off his hat on lying it on his desk, "How have you been"

With his head, he gestures toward the captain's door, "You know" and their eyes meet and there's a moment of silent understanding.

The older man nods, "Would you like a cup of my famous coffee, I'm sure you've missed it greatly" he says dryly and it makes Elliot smirk.

"You know, why not"

He waits until they're out of earshot and huddled by the new machine, "Since you were raised in the church, I assume you know the story of Joseph" Munch says, pouring out two Styrofoam cups of dark liquid.

Elliot's forehead furrows and eyebrows knit together; "Vaguely" he admits taking a sip of the thick liquid and grimacing.

"Long story short, his brothers were jealous, abandoned him, left him to die" he starts and continues even though the younger man is frowning in confusion, "Yada yada that's not the important part of the story. See the important part is, later, Joseph is in the position to forgive them…but he makes them earn it but it's not out of anger but out of love" he tells him stirring his coffee before raising his gaze, "You understand what I'm saying"

There's a moment they just stare, his jaw sets and he fights back the bile in his throat and chokes on the words to defend himself but in the end, there is none, and there's no anger or malice in Munch's eyes and he nods, "I think I do"

The older detective reaches out a hand and slaps his arm softly, "Welcome back"

OoO

"Liv's coming over, right?" Maureen asks the little pile of wrapping paper from Eli's presents from Santa litter the ground.

"Yeah" he says with a wide smile, "I'm going to go pick her up after morning mass"

Maureen looks at him, her blue eyes twinkling, "Good…she needs to be with, _family_"

She lets the last word hang, their gazes still locked and he rubs his chin and nods because his girl is all grown up and he knows there are some things that are no use hiding anymore, "Yeah" he says softly, his gaze falling to his wool socks.

Nodding she gets up, comes and touches his shoulder, her mouth opening like she's going to say something and closing in a moment, and he doesn't know whether to feel relieved or like he's the biggest asshole on the planet.

OoO

The wig is tossed in the back of her closet, a monumental failure because it just didn't look right, no matter how she pushed and prodded. So she wraps her head up in the scarf, dusts her cheek with bronzer and hopes to look less dead than she feels.

Looking out the window, she smiles, the light dusting of snow that falls onto the sidewalk, not yet cold enough to stick. She knows this is pretend, Christmas at the house in Queens, with a family that's not her own, borrowed and on loan…but, this time she didn't say no…because she can't afford to do that any longer.

It's in the kitchen, struggling with her pill bottle that she feels her legs begin to shake, knees buckling softly as she grips the tile countertop and begs her body to cooperate. When her legs fall from underneath her, everything goes black, and her head ricochets off the floor, before coming to rest with a thump against the cool linoleum.

OoO

"Liv, c'mon, open up. I'll use my key, you ain't backing out on me now" he teases on the fourth knock.

Sighing, he pulls out his keys, half expecting to find her sitting on the couch ignoring him, or in her bedroom, doing some last minute girly thing he forgets she feels she must do.

A scream is caught in his chest like a boulder on his lungs when he finds her, legs bent, lying on the ground, a little stream of blood trickling from where her forehead hit the ground. His legs move under him without provocation, "Liv, Liv" he whimpers even though he knows she's not going to answer.

His knees hit the ground with a smack, and he's grabbing her into his arms, pulling her upwards before his hand slides down to fumble through his pocket for his cell phone.

Soft tears wet his cheeks and he's choking back the lump of a sob that is strangling him, "Yes, I have an emergency, I need an ambulance" he says the words coming perfunctory, his brain running on autopilot because his heart is currently lying on the ground next to where her pills are strewn across the floor.

He throws his phone to the side when he's done and cradles her, her neck protected by his arm as he pushes the blood matted hair away from the wound, "Helps on the way, okay, you stay with me" he whispers to her pulling his sleeve over his hand and pressing down over the cut, "Just stay with me, please Liv, don't leave me" he begs, his tears running down his dress shirt, burning at his skin, "Please, God, please, please" because she's the only reason he prays nowadays.


	18. I'll Take Care of You

**A/N: Happy New Year! **

**I hope 2014 is treating you wonderfully already. Thank you for all you kind reviews, when I'm stuck, I go back and read your words and it sparks the muse. **

**Sorry it took so long but I hope it was worth the wait. **

_I'll scream loud at the top of my lungs tonight  
>Cause you know you will always be my life<br>Shooting stars could never be this bright  
>Do you know you will always be my life<em>

_(I'm Afraid of Losing You – A Rocket to the Moon)_

The seconds tick by, in time with the rapid way his heart rams against his ribcage, prayers and pleads tumbling off his lips and ricocheting off the walls, "Please, please, please, Liv, please, God, don't take her, please"

He can hear the sirens, they sound like world's away and her head is cradled in the crook of his arm, his hand smoothing her hair away from the cut on her head, "Stay with me, okay, come on Liv, don't leave me, please Liv, don't leave me"

Tears stream down his face as he slightly rocks back and forth, the hard slamming footsteps on the wooden staircase jostle him and then there are men streaming into the small room, "Sir, sir, I need you to move, we gotta get her up on the stretcher" the younger man tells him and he just nods slightly, reluctantly letting her slip from his grasp.

"Medication, medical issues" another man asks but his brain is in a fog, and her blood is all over his clothes, and _if he loses her_, "Sir we need to know how to help her" he says, slapping his arm softly with his palm to snap him out of it.

Closing his eyes, he shakes his head slightly before looking back up at the man, "Uh…she has cancer, been going through chemo" he starts and then turns to grab the pill bottles, "I was supposed to pick her up for Christmas dinner…she didn't answer"

His voice cracks and he hates showing weakness but the tears stream down his face like a child, and he can't help the way his words come out in spurts and trembles.

"Hey, we're going to take care of her, okay" the paramedic tells him, "You want to ride in the ambulance with her"

"Yeah"

"Alright let's go"

OoO

His hand is clasped around hers even down the narrow staircase as they make their way down to the ambulance. Their fingers are together, because she is his life force, and he knows as soon as he lets go, i everything is going to crumble around him.

The fingers that aren't clasped with hers run through her hair, pushing it back away from her face, the bandage that covers her wound is wet with fresh blood and he fights back the urge to lay his head over her chest and listen to her heart.

Because if her heart is still strong, he knows that they can make it through anything.

OoO

"Sir you can't go in, I'm sorry"

He expected it, he knows the protocol but his heart limps to beat in his chest and he simply nods, swallows hard, "Please, as soon"

The man nods at him, "We're going to take care of your wife"

_Wife, wife, wife. _

There's a moment of warmth that spreads through his chest, and he fights it because he shouldn't feel the swell of his insides at the thought, at the way the words affected him but he doesn't dismiss it, he nods. She's not his wife…but she's his partner, and sometimes he acknowledges that has always meant more.

A nurse comes by to ask if he's okay, and he looks down, realizing that her blood is dried to his skin, and his shirt is stained in her, and he forces himself to pull the phone out of his pocket.

"Kath, it's me" and that's all he gets out before his voice cracks again, and he clenches his eyes shut, the familiar burn of tears stinging his lids, "Liv…hospital" and he's not sure what he's said but he's curled up in the corner, like a child, praying to any God that's listening.

OoO

"Sir…your wife"

"_She's not"_

It's stuck in his throat but never falls off his tongue, he just jumps off the chair and practically topples him over, "She's okay, right?" he asks, his eyes wide and feral, the last bit of humanity covering the tiled floor, lying in espresso colored eyes down the hall.

He allows himself a breath when the man nods, "She's fine, nasty bump on her head, had to get a couple of stitches but that's the worst of it"

"Thank you, thank you" he whispers, gripping the man's arm, "Thank you"

A small understanding look plays on the doctor's face before he continues, "The chemo seems to really be tiring her out and the reason she fell is probably a mix of dehydration and exhaustion. I would suggest that she take it easy, and is not alone for any extended period of time" he explains, "We're going to keep her overnight for observation but as long as her tests come back regular, I don't see a reason to keep her more than a night. However, she's going to need someone there with her, regularly, if that's a problem, we can find a nurs-"

"No, that's not a problem, I can take care of her"

There's no thought, no contemplation of what it means but all he knows is he's not leaving her side, not after this. If anyone is going to take care of her, it's going to be him, it was always meant to be him.

OoO

"You gave me quite a scare" he whispers, grasping her hand and pulling it up so his lips graze her knuckles, "Let's not do that again, okay" he says, trying to smile even though he can feel the familiar sting of moisture coming to his eyes.

He sits quietly with her, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest, the steadiness of the beeping monitors lulling him, waiting for her to open those eyes so he can finally let out the air that's trapped between his heart and his lips.

The door opens slightly, and he doesn't look, expecting another nurse, someone else coming in to check monitors, he just holds her fingers between his, leans his face against their entwined hands, the warmth of her making him feel like the waters not filling his lungs, like he's not drowning in the abyss.

"Elliot"

It's a whisper and he turns his head softly, Kathy's face in the doorway. She's wearing that forlorn look on her face, holding a package in her hands, "I brought you a change of clothes, and some food…I figured you'd be staying with her all night"

Their fingers are still tangled together, and he can't bear to let go and he nods, "Thank you"

"She's okay"

"Yeah, she's going to be okay" he says forcing that lost smile onto his lips.

"Good, good, the kids were all worried" she tells him.

His fingers tighten around hers, like he's willing her to keep him strong, kids…Christmas, "I'm sorry"

Shaking her head, she leans on her foot, and bites her lip, "Eli's crashed out in the middle of a mound of wrapping paper, the other kids, they're fine…and we're all glad Olivia is okay"

"Thank you"

It's loaded because he's thanking her for so much…even things he shouldn't be grateful for. Nodding she pivots slightly and grasps the door knob before turning back to him, "I love you"

Nodding he prepares himself to say it back, like he has thousands of times over the decades they've been together but then he feels her fingers grasp and the raspy whisper of, "Elliot" falling from her lips, and no one else exists in their world.

"Liv" he whispers wildly, his gaze tearing away from his wife and back to the eyes that bring him home, "Liv, baby"

Neither hear the door click or the muted strangled whimper outside of the door.


	19. Coming Home

**A/N: I know its taken 5ever. This year hasn't been good to me, I've been sick the entirety of 2014, lol, but I hope this was worth the wait. **

_Well I never had a place that I could call my very own  
>That's all right, my love, 'cause you're my home<em>

_If I travel all my life  
>And I never get to stop and settle down<br>Long as I have you by my side  
>There's a roof above and good walls all around<br>You're my castle, you're my cabin and my instant pleasure dome  
>I need you in my house 'cause you're my home.<br>You're my home._

_(Home – Billy Joel)_

"No, no, I'm not letting you do this"

"You don't have a choice"

OoO

"_So, if you're feeling up to it and all your tests come back in normal range, I'm going to release you but you're going to have to, slow down, Olivia."_

_She groans at the words, as if she's not slowed down enough already, practically confined to her apartment, helpless, taken back to the days as a child where she was stuck in a house with someone who could hardly care for herself, let alone the child she resented._

"_You're also going to need help"_

_It's the words she's feared the most since this started because she's always prided herself on being able to care for herself, to assert her independence, finding strength in never needing anyone again. Yet, in the depths of her mind, she knows she's always needed someone, and he's been it…until now. _

_Tugging her lip between her teeth, she nods, "I can hire a nurse" she says even though it stabs at the wounded pride like shards of glass. _

"_No you won't"_

_He's standing there, in jeans and a sweater, it's blue, soft, she's pretty sure she bought it for him for his birthday one year, fingering the material in Macy's and buying it on a whim because it reminded her of his eyes._

"_What?" she questions._

_He shrugs, crosses his arms over his chest, "I already told them I'm going to take care of you"_

OoO

Her eyes hadn't left him, but they waited until the doctor left to speak.

Slowly he walks over, sitting next to her bed, "So, you're being sprung" he says with a smirk and she knows he's trying to distract her but she's not letting it go.

"No, no, I'm not letting you do this" she tells him, shaking her head, pulling her hand away from where his sits on the railing. `

A sight escapes his lips, "You don't have a choice" he tells her.

That causes her neck to snap back and their eyes to meet, "Excuse me" she asks, eyebrow arching, ready for the crash they've mastered.

Because they're two raging storms and sometimes they crash against each other, leaving destruction in their path…or they join together, more powerful as one than as opposing forces.

At this point, he knows he has to watch his words, choke back the frustration, yell that he needs her to let him do this because he can't bear the thought of anyone else watching over her, carrying her when she's too sick to move, watching her chest in the middle of the night to make sure she's still breathing. Instead, he plays on her rational side, "Do you really want or trust a stranger in your apartment Liv?" he asks, "Huh, you want someone there who doesn't know you, are you really comfortable with that"

It turns the wheels in her head, and she looks down at her hands, "Elliot, you have a fam-"she starts but he quickly halts her words.

"I talked to Kath, she agrees, Maureen is going to watch Eli a couple days" he starts to explain but it's her turn to interrupt.

"I'm not taking you away from your family!" she says, her voice rising as the guilt bubbles up in her throat, because she wants this too much…it's not right, it's not fair.

As their eyes meet, he blurts out, "You're my family too, goddamnit"

There is radio silence, tension crackling and he whispers it this time, "You're my family too, and you're not alone"

His fingers reach out for her own, and she's hesitant and first, still under his touch, her eyes muddled with tears, locked on the door in front of her, but she feels the warmth, the tenderness and she licks her lips softly and then looks over at him, letting their fingers tangled, "El"

"I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere"

OoO

He lied to her.

More accurately, he omitted the truth of the situation because he wanted her absolved of any guilt.

"_I told them I would take care of her, so I'm going to move in with her for a little while, and" he explains._

_Kathy turns slowly, her blue eyes wide, the bags under her eyes more pronounced, and she gives him a half mouthed, sad smile, "She asked you to do that?" she asks._

_It's a pointed question, and he can feel bile rise up his esophagus, his words lost between his gut and his lips, "No" he admits, his hand rubbing his neck, eyes hitting the tiled floor instead of the sky blue eyes he' can't remember not knowing the strands and swirls that are painted across the iris, "She doesn't know yet" _

_Looking up, he meets her face, and the hurt is stamped across her tightened brow, pursed lips and she nods, swallowing hard, blinking away a couple errant tears, "I wanted you to tell me she asked…I wanted to be able to blame her, you know? To say, at least she finally asked…" she whispers._

"_Kath"_

_Shaking her head, she lets herself cry now, slow tracks of tears down her cheeks, "God Elliot, I want to hate her but I can't because my husband's so in love with her, that she doesn't even have to ask. In fact, she'd probably have told you no and sent you back to us. I want to hate her, I want to be able to hate her, and you can't even give me that" she cries out, body trembling, the words ripping from her and splattering like acid on his skin. _

_Tears well up in her eyes and his lips flail to explain, to tell her she's wrong, but he's so tired of lying…to her, to himself, to everyone, and he takes a couple steps towards her, "I love you" he manages to get out, "I love you" he repeats like he wants that to make everything okay. _

_But it's the words he can't say that hang between them like dirty laundry and he grimaces and turns so she's just out of reach of him, and he thinks that might be a metaphor for what they've been doing the last couple of years, circling each other, but never truly connecting. _

"_I'm gonna take Eli to my mom's" she finally tells him._

"_You don't have to do that"_

_A long sigh escapes her lips, and she looks back to him, their gazes locked, "It's what I should have done a long time ago" she tells him a tone of resignation in her voice, "I'm glad I didn't…you know, I don't regret…"_

_And he knows what she means, because he doesn't either…only if for that curly headed blessing that lies in his bed upstairs. His throat tightens with emotion and he steps towards her again and she turns to him and lets his arms come around her one more time, resting his chin on her head, finally ready to let go._

OoO

"Ready to go home?" he asks smiling as he pushes her wheelchair out of the doors.

_Home_.

The words make her skin tingle as her heart swells because a long time ago, she realized that home wasn't a place…because every night she went back to an apartment that wasn't a home, simply a place to hold her things, and every morning she was back home in two cobalt blue eyes that had given her walls and the safest place she has ever known.

Because, right or wrong, he is her home.


	20. You're On My Road

**A/N: It's been 5ever, I know. I had this bright idea that taking 9 units of 8 week classes this summer was a great decision, so I've been, a bit busy. I'm going to do my best to update before I go on vacay in August. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sticking with me, I hope this doesn't disappoint. **

_**Oh, I'm a mess right now  
>Inside out<br>Searching for a sweet surrender  
>But this is not the end<strong>_

_**I can't work it out  
>How going through the motions<br>Going through us**_

_**And oh I've known it for the longest time  
>And all of my hopes<br>All of my words  
>Are all over written on the signs<br>But you're on my road  
>Walking me home, home, home, home, home<strong>_

_**(I'm a Mess – Ed Sheeran)**_

He watches her sleep, more often than he'd care to admit. There's a chair by her bed and he finds odd comfort in sitting there next to her, watching her chest rise and fall. Because he needs to make sure she's still there with him, the nightmares of holding her limp body in his arms, enough to drive him to grab the half empty bottle of whiskey and drown a couple shots.

The nights he watches her sleep, he doesn't need the amber liquid burning down his throat because she's injected into his veins and he finds sleep in that stiff chair, waking up with knots at 3am and pull the blanket back up to her neck.

Kathy hasn't called in three weeks but Maureen brings Eli by. He likes to sit at the edge of her bed and tell her elaborate stories that make her eyes dance in amusement and his heart clench in something he hasn't felt in so long he doesn't remember what it is.

His hand grabs the blanket, the wool soft in between his fingers and he pulls it up again when her eyes opening, skin shimmering in the moonlight, dark orbs staring up at him, "My couch is offended" she teases, quiet whispers in the dark.

A smirk comes to his lips and he shakes his head, releasing the fabric so she can pull it the rest of the way, her fingers barely grazing his knuckles. He wants to open his mouth and say something that makes sense but she smiles, closes her eyes and he knows that he doesn't have to because, they're partners, for better or worse.

_Till death do us part_

oOo

He thinks she doesn't know.

She does, even if they don't talk about it, there's a beautiful comfort in knowing that when she opens her eyes she'll see him sitting there, head hanging, arms crossed, hovering over her like some watchdog. Sometimes she lies there, as the clock strikes ungodly hours and watches him sleep. His eyes flutter when he dreams and she wonders if he's dreaming of the family in Queens waiting for him, and when he's in the deepest sleep, his jaw is set like he's ready to do battle.

A part of her knows he is, only letting himself get into a deep enough sleep so he can make sure she's okay. There's a fight in her that wants to make him stop but she knows it's because she's not used to anyone being there to take care of her. So instead she pretends she doesn't know, and when he wakes up and pulls her blankets back over her, she lets herself pretend he's having the same dreams as her.

OoO

"I need to get out of the house" she tells him, and he has to admit the color in her cheeks is coming back as her eyes sparkle at him, "Somewhere, anywhere, please"

The exasperation makes a chuckle fall from his lips and he sets the sports section down, "Yeah?" he asks.

Rolling her eyes, she puts her hand on her hip, "You know what, I don't need your permission and if I didn't think you'd be a big tattle tale and call Cragen or my doctor, I'd call and taxi and tell you to screw yourself" she tells him.

"Oh is that right?" he asks, raising his brows and standing up.

"Yeah"

He steps towards her, and he watches her eyes widen, darken, and their torsos are almost touching as his fingers tingle with the ache to reach out, three inches, grab her around the waist and pull her against him while he buries his head in her hair and inhales what is keeping him alive.

"El"

It's a whisper, a beg, and god, there's so many thoughts running through his head right now but he swallows hard, steps back, because right now, everything is too fucked up right now and it's not fair to anyone.

"Yeah" he says looking away, forcing himself to break that invisible tether, "You know let's get out, a stroll through the park, some lunch, it'll do us both good" he says, turning to walk away because if he looks at her another minute, he's going to ruin everything.

OoO

For a moment...it was stupid, but god she swears she could feel his heartbeat through his shirt, and he was looking her with oceans and storms in his eyes and for a moment…but he hadn't, turned away and she felt the ice chill creep down her spine.

She's going to tell him to go home tonight, after the park, after lunch, she can't keep doing this, playing house with him because she's obviously letting it cloud her judgment. He turns to smile at her, grabbing her jacket, her mittens, her hat and every bone in her aches with the thought of him walking out the door and leaving her alone.

Swallowing the lump, she forces a smile and grabs the jacket, letting him pull her hair from the collar, just a couple more touches…that'll have to be enough.

OoO

It's beautiful, the sun out with the icy winter chill, the pathways cleared but the snow still covering the manicured lawns and hanging from the trees. She's quiet, even more than usual and he wonders if he crossed the line earlier, mentally chastising himself for letting the feelings get the best of him. They walk down the cobblestone and she stumbles softly, and his arm reaches out to catch her, "Hey, you okay" he asks, holding her softly.

Her eyes look up to meet him, espresso and bright, "Yeah, crooked" she tries to explain, pulling away but his hand stays on her arm.

"Liv"

"Let's just keep walking"

His hand slides down and grabs her hand and he prays she doesn't let go.

OoO

Their fingers entwine, so naturally, that, for a moment, she doesn't realize they're holding hands. Not until they're back on the path, walking under the bridge and she's telling herself that he's just making sure she doesn't fall on her ass. But that doesn't explain why it feels like the spaces between her fingers fit his perfect and shakes her head at the stupidity of the notion.

There is no such thing as meant to be, there is no happily ever after. He's her married partner, ex-partner…_best friend_, and she resolves even further that she has to make him leave tonight.

But for right now…she's letting him hold her hand like she's sixteen because she never wants to let him go.

OoO

There's an air of tension that envelopes them and she was quiet at the pizza place and now she's silent with the television running in the background. His heart batters at his ribcage and he's fucked up good this time but he doesn't know how to make it better.

When she walks out of the room, her eyes are red and puffy and it's an instinct to get up and walk towards her, to make sure she's okay, "Liv"

"You should go"

It's worse than a shot to the chest, because it starts in his toes and he feels the poison seep through his bloodstream, "What?" he wonders and it comes our harsher but he's choking on the words.

"You need to go, I'll call a nurse" she tells him.

Thump, thump, thump, rings in his ears and he can't breathe, he's going to have a heart attack and die on her living room floor but he swallows the razorblades and forces the words, "Why? Is this about earlier because, Liv, I just"

And she moves to walk away but he can't let her go, and then his hand is on her arm, "I'm sorry" he grinds out, "Please"

They're both crying now, worse than bloodstains on the floor, acid stinging at skin, "Please" and he pulls her facing him, their torsos touching.

"Elliot, I can't"

Her lips are the color of raspberries on the vine in the middle of July, and her eyes remind him of Coney Island as a kid and promises that for a couple hours everything in the world was good and perfect.

Softly murmured, "Please, please, please" tumbles from her tongue and when their lips finally meet…neither of them know what they're begging for anymore.


	21. Fought the Wars

He's in love with this woman, come hell or high water, the moment their lips meet, he cannot deny the truth he's known for longer than he's cared to admit. It wasn't that he never loved Kathy, he had loved her deeply, fully but they were kids…they grew up, and out of each other, he wished he would have admitted that before.

Now, with her face in his hands, with their lips tangling softly, he can no longer deny that she's swimming in his veins and wrapped around every ventricle of his heart.

It's slower than he imagined, softer, like they're whispering sacred promises to each other, like they've kissed a thousand times before this moment and this just seals the fate they've accepted.

Until she pulls away from him, tears on her cheeks, her mouth slightly agape, "El" she whimpers and he wants to grab her, shake her, because she's looking at him like she's made the worst mistake of her life, and he's in fucking love with her.

She pulls away, "No, I can't, you can't, no"

His hand reaches out and she pushes past him, "Go, now, go, go, go" she's whispering at first but with every, 'go', her voice rises and he knows she needs to calm down.

"OKAY" he snaps, grabbing his jacket, and walking towards the door, stopping at it, turning to her, fighting back to tears that burn his eyelids, "This isn't over" he whispers, "Not by a long shot"

The door slams and he curses, kicks the wall in front of him and slumps down because all he knows now is that everything is slipping through his hands the harder he tries to hold on.

OoO

Her knees buck under her and she's not quite sure how she's still upright but she's clinging to the doorknob, too afraid to let it go because there's still a part of her that wants to rip it open and cry for him to come back.

She won't. She forces the oxygen into her legs, her body trembling and pushes herself to collapse on the couch. Her lungs are collapsing and her heart has been shattered in her chest, while she still tries to convince herself that pushing him away was the best for both of them.

Even if now it feels like she's gnawed off a limb to try and escape the one thing that has kept her breathing the last couple of months. Forcing her eyes shut, until she's seeing sparkles of stars that aren't real, she pushes the decorative pillow over her mouth because if she can't hear the sobs, she can pretend they're not there.

OoO

He's driving through the streets like a madman, unsure of whether he's coming or going, or where he's intending to fall when he finally collapses into nothing. When he pulls up in front of the house in Queens, he hits the steering wheel and fights back the bile that tingles in his throat.

The lights are on in the living room but he doesn't go in, just sits behind the wheel and wonders how he fucked everything up again. It isn't until the knock comes at his window that he's jarred from his pity party. To his surprise, it's not Kathy, but Maureen, who's opening his door, "You gonna sit out here all night?" she asks sliding into the passenger seat.

"Thinking about it"

"Something happen with Liv?"

Slowly he lets his gaze fall to his eldest child, long gone are the chubby baby cheeks, the toe head of hair now long and darker, her eyes less inquisitive and more knowing, "You tryna to read me counselor?" he asks, trying to bring an air of brevity to the car.

"Pshhh, I don't even have to try" she chides but stares at him, long after he's averted his eyes back to the empty street.

"I messed up big Mo" he tells her, fighting back the sob that dies in his throat, his Adam's apple bobbing with emotion, "I don't know how to stop messing up"

Her arms wrap around him slowly, their roles reversed in a way he wouldn't have known how to let that guard down before, and she hugs him tightly and pulls away from him, "What's that movie I made you watch say, the one you didn't realize had quite so many curse words or risqué scenes" she laughs.

"Love Story" he spits out, caught between a laugh and a grimace, "Your mom never let me live that down"

"Yeah well, I was 8" she says chuckling before answering her own question, "Love means never having to say you're sorry"

"That line is a piece of sh-"

"Because sometimes they already know how sorry you are"

OoO

When she wakes, it's cloudy, her eyes burning, the trickling down her throat, and when she sputters, it's crimson from her nose. Her hands clamp over nostrils, "Fuck fuck fuck" goes through her head, and she knows the phone is somewhere on the end table but her vision is clouded, and everything is muddled.

"Elliot" she manages to spurt out, "Elliot"

Until she remembers she sent him away and her hand moves to the table, swiping the pill bottles off and she's crouched over herself, blood dripping onto her pants, mixing with the frustrated tears that squeeze from her eyes.

She doesn't notice the door open, until he's crouched behind her, "Liv, Liv, talk to me"

"Hospital" is all she can whisper and his arms are around her and she buries her head in his neck, her blood marring his skin with sanguine warmth.

"I got you, don't worry, I got you" he says, his lips on the top of her head, kicking the door closed and rushing down the stairs.

When he says it, she manages to find some faith again.

OoO

Waiting in the lobby is gutting him, he's bleeding out on the floor and everyone is sitting there calm and collected while his world crumbles beneath him. He's pacing steps, mumbling boyhood prayers, fighting back the sobs that threaten to burst through his chest.

He wants to kick something, to bloody his hands and break knuckles on stucco because, this shouldn't be happening to her, she doesn't deserve this, not after everything she's been through…it's how he knows life isn't fair, and makes him question the God he's found solace in before.

The doctor walks out, "Detective Stabler"

"Yeah, yes, sorry" he says rushing towards her.

Her smile is calm, inviting, "She's a little dehydrated, no worse for the wear" she explains, "But her body is especially fragile and prone to infection right now. Now these infections are very common in chemotherapy patients and very treatable but because she was just in the hospital…I'm going to keep her, for at least a week. I've explain this to her, and she's not exactly happy about it but I'm the doctor" she says with a bemused smile.

It makes his guard lower slightly, "She's kinda stubborn"

"Yes well Mr. Stabler, lucky enough, my husband says the same thing about me"

OoO

Her knuckles are white as she squeezes the pillow in her fist, wishing she had the strength to tear it apart, get out some of that unbridled frustration. She was tired of being sick, tired of being stuck, tired of having to fight every goddamn day.

The door opens softly and she knows it's him before he announces himself and she wants to run, to push off of the bed, and create some distance between them…because all she needs right now is the strength of his hand in hers, and those cobalt eyes shining as he tells her that he's not leaving.

She shouldn't want that, she can't need that, it's going to end up dismantling her in the end.

"Hey" he whispers and she closes her eyes, hoping that she can feign asleep.

His footsteps don't' stop until they're right next to her, and she fights back the tingle that reverberates down her spine when he takes her hand, "You don't want to talk about this right now? That's okay, we won't talk…but I'm not leaving you Liv, you get that, I'm not going anywhere, no matter how hard you try to push me away" he whispers, his voice ragged, the exhaustion in every syllable mixed with determination….because they don't just give up on each other.


End file.
